A to Z of Lessons Learned in 2014: Motion

Sorry for my absence lately. Right after my last post, a variety of setbacks hit and struck me down, for all intents and purposes. As such, I have absolutely no hope of actually finishing the challenges in time. 

It's important for me to finish the series, though, because writing through all these things are part of my efforts to moving on with my life. 

As such, I've decided to continue with this series until I've finished it. It's going to take me a bit, but I'll get through it eventually. 

In the meantime: I'm on M at the moment. 

The best word I could think of for M is Motion. 

After 2014 went so spectacularly wrong, there needed to be a time for me to withdraw. To pull back and mourn all the damage that had been done. To come to terms. To just sit still and keep breathing through the pain. 

This is natural. It's good for us. 

Within limits. 

See the thing is that sitting still and coming to terms means that we're stationary. And honestly, it means we're often sitting much too close to the negativity of the things we're mourning. For a while, this isn't bad. But indefinitely, sitting still like this allows negativity and bitterness to take hold. Those two paralyses us until we're basically just drifting along into more negativity and more bitterness. 

I don't know if you'd be okay with that, but I'm not. One day I will tell you why I do this, but I measure my life according to one standard: When I'm at the end of my life and looking back, will I be pleased with the amount of living I did? 

Honestly... I can say it's a good thing I didn't die at the end of last year. Because I would not have been pleased. No, I don't mean this in a "I'm beating myself up because I couldn't do anything about things that were completely out of my control" way. It's more that I got stuck in all this negativity and bitterness all year long until it was okay for me to just survive, but I didn't do nearly enough of anything else. I didn't live. 

Since I'm still alive, though, I'm being a bit more forgiving, but I do realize the importance of getting back into the business of living. It's not always easy, but I'm slowly but surely getting it done. 

In short: There's motion in my life again. Not always fast, and definitely not always forward (as the last week or so demonstrated), but I'm moving on into a better year. I'm learning and moving on, because I can't bear wallowing in a pit of despair any longer.

And I know I'm learning, because even though I indulged in some wallowing last week, I was in a hurry to be done with it again. 

Which in itself is a good thing. 

How are you doing? Is there motion in your life? 

A to Z Challenge: Grief

Yesterday, I'd mentioned that my natural go to when someone hurts me is anger. This isn't always a bad thing. It means that I very rarely go through life feeling like I'm being bullied. If someone tries it, my temper goes and I cut the bully tactic off beneath the knees.

The thing is, sometimes, ending something (even if I come out winning in some way) doesn't make the anger leave. It festers inside me, and then when something else happens to make me even angrier, the festering gets a little bit worse.

Last year, this happened so many times that my anger took on physical manifestations like nausea, migraines and such. This got me thinking about it a lot, and I realized that I unconsciously use my anger as a shield. If my anger engages first, I often don't feel the emotional impact of what has happened to me.

That does not, however, mean that there's no emotional impact. In fact, I think the opposite is true. I think the emotions and hurt I might not be consciously feeling, is the thing that makes my anger become this consuming poison that ends up controlling my life much more than I should.

I think about it this way. If my anger is a shield that comes up at the first sign of damage (because I'd be a very angry person to keep the shield up all the time), it probably won't go away until I've actually handled to pain it knows is there. The pain that'll keep eating away at me even while I don't really realize how bad it is.

And then it literally makes me sick.

So getting rid of this manifestation required a two pronged approach. I needed to forgive so the anger could go away. And I needed to get rid of the pain inside me so that the anger wouldn't come back.

There's only one way to get rid of the pain itself. Grieving. 

In other words, actually feeling the emotions I'm going through and admitting that people who didn't deserve any involvement in my life had a huge impact on it. To actually sit down in a little heap and cry instead of holding a grudge.

I'm lucky (and grateful) that I already had tools and knowledge at my disposal that helped me to do this. (Long story as to how I got there, so I won't go into it.) But, I realize that sometimes, the weight of our grief becomes so heavy that we can't always deal on our own. That's when we need help, not so much to grieve, but to get through the process.

Because grieving shouldn't be indefinite either. 

It's not pleasant, but it's necessary. The point is to one day come to a place where you can think about what had happened without anger and without bitterness, but while wanting to move on.

Thankfully, I can say I'm at this stage now, and even when I speak of how I've been hurt, mostly I'm okay. In fact, I'm able to go back to the year I'd been grieving so that I can pick over the remains and see what I've learned. This is what I'm doing now.

I'll keep those lessons moving forward. But once I'm done with this Challenge, I'm tossing 2014 away and moving on.

How do you move on? Do you move on?

A to Z Challenge: Doing What I Can With What I Have

I didn't forget that I was supposed to post yesterday. Nor did I decide to just not post. Nor did I give up.

The truth is, I spent pretty much all day yesterday trying to get into blogger so that I can write my posts (yeah, I write them on the day). But alas, I was stuck without an internet connection until about an hour ago. 

So here I am, hoping that my connection doesn't fail me again before I get to post. 

It's fitting, though, because it corresponds with D-Day's lesson that I've learned from 2014.

As 2014 went on and more things kept going wrong, it was almost too easy to focus on what I didn't have than what I did have or was capable of doing. 

Luckily for me, though, I remembered this one thing that I've always believed in. 

No matter what, there's always something that we can do. No, the circumstances might not be ideal or there might be about a million things that might be beyond my reach. 

But there's always something within my reach and I can use that to the best of my ability. 

So when things were absolutely bleak and I had almost nothing else left, I turned back to my writing after almost a year of writing very little. You'd think that in those circumstances, I'd get very little writing done. 

You'd be wrong. 

I wrote 60k words in December alone. And I've been averaging 25k per month ever since. (Even though my return to internet and business means I have less writing time.) 

But that, my friends, is amateurish stuff. This guy's a master: 

Needless to say, yesterday, I was tempted to be annoyed when my internet connection went. But you know what? I'm blessed to have it on whichever days I do have it working. On other days, I'm just going to mess around with my shiny new ideas and add some words to my older ones. Because that I can do without being connected to the internet.

Do you have a fall-back when everything else goes wrong? Want to tell us about it? 

The Things We Say to Ourselves #OneBeautifulThought

Today, I saw an advert by Dove that really hit me. Before I share my thoughts, though, I thought you might want to watch the vid yourself. Even if you're a guy. It's worth thinking about so bear with me.

All done? Good. So obviously, Dove is all about making it's target audience (women) feel beautiful. But really, this message can be drawn much further than that.

It's something that crosses all boundaries of age, gender, personality, race... name it.

We talk ourselves down. I'm just a fake, pretending I can do this. I'm not a strong person. I've got so many issues that I don't know how to even start listing them. 

I'm never ever going to make it. 

The women in the video had to hear these insulting things they said to themselves just so they could realize how much they've been insulting themselves. Unfortunately, I don't have two actresses on hand to make my point, so I want you to try imagining what you'd do if you heard people tossing the insults you give yourselves at each other.

And then, if at all possible, I want you to stop.

Because when it comes to having a fulfilled, rich life, the only person who can truly stop you is:

You. 

And this, insulting yourself by telling yourself that you're weak, stupid, and powerless to do anything about yourself is precisely the way that you use to do it.

So now I'm going to say this:

You are an amazing person.
You can set out to do what you're meant to do.
You can find out what that is.
You are stronger than you imagine.
You are strong enough to overcome your obstacles. 

Now, YOU try telling yourself some nice things. 

I'd love to see them in the comments. 

Looking for myself. Again...

I've come to a humbling realization recently. One that I think will be a difficult thing to write about (and a bit long, sorry!). At the same time, I feel I must.

The truth is, I feel like I haven't been an honest blogger.

It's a terrible thing for me to admit, because from the first day I wrote my first blog post back in 2010, I based the idea on basically two foundational pillars:

The first was honesty. The second was being interesting.

It was a good system. When it came to my writing blog, it meant that I had to keep writing in order to find interesting things to blog about.

Later, I started this blog, which was about me going after my dreams and sharing some of the lessons I learned from experience along the way.

Honestly, I think that for the first two years, this was a great blog.

It was honest.

It was interesting.

And truly, it was something positive. Living breathing proof that things do go well for people who go after their dreams.

Then came 2014.

I can safely say that I completely and utterly lost my mojo this year. Which really, isn't a bad thing, per se. Except that I lied by omission.

When stuff went wrong with my publishing deal, I wrote about how determined I was to bounce back. I did not write about how soul crushing it was to have this happening while my business, my only source of income, was failing.

It wasn't the failure of the business, really. Businesses fail. It happens. And honestly, by the time the critical break came, neither me, nor my mother (with whom I owned the business) were happy in it.

The real crush was that we put what we had left into the farm. Which for a while was a source of hope. Except, it took all of our savings and produced not a cent in return.

To give you an idea of sheer hell: All this was February. If you click the link, you'll see me mentioning that I was a "bit blue." It was me practically crying myself to sleep because my first publishing experience had all but turned into my worst nightmare. And it was only the start.

My family put all of our time, energy and money into making the farm work. Which meant that activities I'd always loved like singing, dancing, fencing, even painting got put aside to "when things are better."

I focused on my writing, more determined than ever to make that gig work. But with every passing day, the strain of having to put a happy/determined/brave face on it all when really, stuff sucked... It just wore me down to the point where I no longer felt like writing. And really. I didn't feel like blogging here either.

Because the truth is that I didn't want to admit that things were bad. This was the HAPPY!!! blog. The one where I encourage others and myself to go after dreams! To dare more! To dream more! To remember exactly how much we have to be thankful for.

And yes. I realize that I have a LOT to be thankful for. Through everything, I still had my amazing family right there with me. And I still do. We are all still healthy and together. (Except for me getting a bout of what I suspect to be Strep, and my brother getting tick bite fever last weekend.)

But there remains one point:

Being positive when everything you've accomplished in recent days goes to hell around you is actually a lot more soul-destroying than your life all but imploding in the first place. 

But keep a determinedly brave face on it all I did. But that's the thing I didn't realize at the time. I thought: It's just for a bit. Things will turn around. No one will ever notice. 

But when I started filtering my experiences for public consumption... I sanitized my life right out of a blog... about my life. 

Which meant I wrote less and less and less. And when I did write, it came through this fake, bland filter, which made everything I wrote seem like the worst ever case of sitting with strangers and discussing the weather because there's nothing else to discuss. And this blog all but died. 

And really, it deserved to. I lied. I. Lied. After taking it on myself to show people of how awesome things could be when things go as planned, I didn't give this shitty year the same treatment. 

Which I feel terribly enough. Although I think that subjecting you to the downward spiral that was my life this year wouldn't have been good, I do believe that if I had stuck with being honest, I could at least have made things interesting. 

I might have made things easier on myself too. Maybe, if I'd admitted that yes, my life sucked ass for the past eleven months, I wouldn't have gotten dragged so deep under towards the last few months. 

Full disclosure: No... I don't think I sank into depression yet. But the shoe business really started at the exact right moment.

Even with it, though, I'm fighting to get back to the place I was in December 2013. Full of optimism and full of belief that the year had unlimited potential. 

We're building back up, and today, we got a string of great news that's giving me hope that things are turning back around at last. 

But with this turnaround, there came a sense that I needed to take stock. That I needed to learn my lessons before I can move on. 

But it's good, I guess, because I can share my lessons and, who knows? Maybe help someone else. I guess that means that I'll have quite a bit to write about as I take stock. 

For now, I'm taking the blog feed off twitter and Facebook. Because really, I think I don't need the added pressure of trying to attract readers while I'm trying to find me, my life and my voice again. So if you're here for the upswing in the ride that's my life, I thank you. 

And if you are, and you pray, please do pray that the upswing keeps going. My family and I can really use the break. 

How are you doing, really? 

A to Z Challenge: Zooming On

Before we start, I just want to leave a quick thank you to every one who read and who commented on my blogs this month. I truly hope that this series touched you in some positive way. And then, I want to congratulate everyone who reached Z this month!

Today's post is going to be pretty different from the others. 

You see, after everything I shared this month, the person who takes charge of his or her life is, in fact, in charge. Even if the lessons I shared take more than a month to put into practice. 

So what's next? 

Well. That's the nice part. Whatever you want. Whatever God guides you to do. 

And you'll keep getting better at those lessons. 

And you'll keep going on. 

And things will be so much easier than you imagined. 

May God bless you on this journey. 

Prayer

Lord, 

I've done what I could to share what I've learnt. I pray that the people who are meant to read this series, do. I pray that You bless them on their journeys, so that they never for a moment doubt that You're doing the blessing. 

I'd ask that You make things easy, but easy isn't worth it. 

I'd ask that You carry them when they're tired, console them when they're hurt. But, then You've always been there to do that. 

So most of all, I pray that this journey will bring them closer to You and Your unconditional love and forgiveness. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Vivre

After I took my first steps towards taking charge of my life, I found that I became more goal orientated. Almost nothing important to me exists in my mind without a goal attached. 

Of course, this makes me a lot more productive than I used to be. I now no longer have to force myself into doing boring things. Most of what I do go towards some goal. 

This can bring a bit of a problem, though. I get so focused on the important tasks that the less important tasks go ignored. Except for one thing. Some of those seemingly unimportant activities are in fact vital. Things like going to watch a movie. Or drinking coffee with a friend. Or playing with your child. In fact, sometimes it feels like life is getting in the way of what you should be doing. 

Life doesn't fit neatly into our plans, so those little distractions it throws in our way can be annoying. But without them, your life wouldn't be worth living. Your time spent on your goal will be for nothing. Because if you refuse to live, you'll end up with nothing worth remembering, and no one to share your life with. 

So, if life comes knocking, let it in. Spend time with your loved ones. Do something new and unrelated. Make memories. Recharge your batteries. 

Taking a break from your goals is more than okay. 

It's necessary. 

Prayer

Thank you for the many chances I get to live in the present, Lord. Please help me to see them for the opportunities that they are. Let me remember what blessings such moments are and please help me to make the absolute most of them. 

I ask this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Uncertainty

One thing that's really difficult about taking charge of one's life is the uncertainty that goes with it.

Because more often than not, living the life you supposed to entails the sacrifice of security now for happiness and success in the future.

I can't begin to describe the sort of mind shift it takes to move away from this. It's a lot like materialism. In fact, I think our desire for security and the need for money are inter-related.

As a result, the first steps in taking charge of your life will be the most difficult. After years of getting used to things being a certain way, you're suddenly having to do things without a plan. Without even really knowing how exactly you get to your end goal.

Heck. You might not even know what the goal is.

But in order to get anywhere in your new life, you're going to have to learn how to function in uncertainty. Actually (and you might not believe me) you'll probably grow to love it.

No matter what, life will at least never be boring again.

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank You for this chance to take charge of my life. I'm finding it a little hard to cope with the uncertainty, though. Please help me get used to it and enjoy the challenge. 

And please give me the wisdom required to make the correct choices. 

In Jesus's name I pray. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Support

When you're starting to take charge of your life, there's one thing that's quite important to your success. You need to find kindred spirits. 

Because you've entered a phase of your life where very few people dare to go. Most of the people you know and love have no idea about what supporting you entails. You need someone who understands. Who can help you stay strong when things get difficult. 

On the other hand, there's an aspect I've found that people on this road seem to forget. Support should always be a two way road. You and your friend should support one another. If one needs to carry and drag the other along, there's a problem. If you're the someone getting dragged, you need to take a hard look at yourself. At the heart of it, you're just being a bit more actively passive by having someone drag you. 

And if you're the one doing the dragging, let go and give the dragee a solid kick in the butt. Carrying your friend isn't your job. You already have enough on your plate with taking charge of your own life. If the person doesn't want to stand on their own, go on alone. Remember what I said about Priorities? (P-Day)

See, there are people who want to take charge, but continue on their previous habits and ways of thinking. You can try to wake them up to this fact, but in the end, you can't solve their issues. But you can help them work through them when they try to get through something.

They're supposed to do the same with you. 

This reciprocation is vital. So please watch out for relationships that are turning you into a well-appreciated doormat. 

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank You for being the most supreme of all supporters. Thank You that I can know that You'll never ever let me down. 

Still, I know I need human companions in this process. Please help us find each other, Lord. Help us to build good, balanced relationships based on trust, and give and take. Please send me the friends I need. And please help me to be the friend they need as well. 

In Jesus's name I pray. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Returning to Dreams

In the dark times when you have to find who you are, you also need to work out where you want to be going.

Even if you're not exactly sure about what you want from your future, there's a definite, sure-fire way to at least get going. Start going through all your memories. See what you've wanted to do since you were a little child.

Look for patterns. I'm not talking about becoming an astronaut because you wanted to when you were seven. I'm saying that you should look for the things you love and have always loved. Like if you wanted to learn the piano for years, but never got to. Or if you always loved working with people, but ended up working on computers all the time.

Those are the sorts of things you go for. Because if you have a deep desire to do something, it might be because you were made to do it. So if you take action towards those things, you automatically add value to your life.

So go take piano lessons. Or help out at church or whatever it takes to satisfy the desire you've neglected for years.

Or if you know that you want to turn that something into a career, start planning and moving towards that. You don't always have to just drop everything and upend your life. It can be a gradual shift towards your goal.

Bit by bit, you'll get where you want to be.

One day, you'll look around you and realize that you took charge of your life years ago. The day you started chasing down your dreams.

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank you for giving me dreams and wishes that can guide me towards what I'm supposed to be doing. 

I'm sorry that I shoved them aside for so long. It was a terrible mistake, and I want to live my life as you intended. 

Please help me find those dreams again. Help me to find a way to bring them to life, Lord. And please help me to let them come true. 

I ask this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Priorities

When we are busy taking charge of our lives, there is suddenly so much to do. There are all the things you need to do and learn to get to your goal.

And then there are still some "obligations" from before. Like taking care of family. Spending  time with your friends. (Any of those whose negative outlooks aren't trying to bring you down.) Spending time with God is another good example. Note the quotes above. Because none of these should really feel like something you have to do, but rather what you want to do.

On top of all that, there are the many tiny little "favors" that people want you to do. Errands for others... Projects at work that isn't really in your job description. Especially the "optional ones". You  know, the things that keep you from doing what you should be doing. They seem so small in the beginning, but invariably, they add up to a serious drain on your time.

If you keep doing these things for people, they'll keep heaping more on you. So. At some point, you need to sit down and see what's important to you and what you want to do. Because deep down, you definitely don't want to be everyone's door mat. Once you know what you're willing to do, you're welcome to continue them. The others, you say no to.

The people who've used you up to this point won't like it. After all, they'll have to do the things they never felt like themselves. Which is truly so sad for them. They'll probably put up some resistance, but stay strong.

The time you'll win to do things you love will make it all worth while.

Prayer

Lord, 

I feel like I'm drowning in little odd favors and demands that people put on me. I know that the only way out is to prioritize and cut back on things that aren't worthwhile. Please help me to see what I should stop doing and give me the strength to say "no". 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen. 

A to Z Challenge: Nearer Thank You Think

Everyone wants to be happy. I think that's a pretty safe assumption. Not even the most masochistic of people will enjoy going through a life they don't enjoy. 

Yet so many people are unhappy. 

There's even a term for people suffering from a sort of depression at aged 25. The quarter-life crisis. Before, it had been the mid-life crisis where people wake up one day and wonder whether their life really is as good as it's going to get. Now it's striking people even sooner. 

And you know, maybe that's a good thing. 

You see, we sometimes wake up and find ourselves trapped in our surroundings. So our first response is to find escapist entertainment. Because if we can distract ourselves long enough, maybe being trapped won't matter so much. As a result, we have multi-billion dollar industries catering to short term entertainment. Movies. Games. T.V. 

I have nothing against those, but when I was seeking escape, I soon noticed that it never really made me happy. Sure, it kept me entertained. But once I left the cinema or turned off the T.V. I was still trapped. And still not really all that enthusiastic about it. 

So I decided to change. I'd make happiness my goal. True happiness. You know... the sort where you're grinning all the time. 

I learnt two things after that. 

Firstly, that happiness is much closer than you think. It's literally one meaningful activity away. I'm not necessarily talking about devoting time to activities. But I am talking about stuff that add meaning to your life. Devoting time to your children. Or getting back to jogging, if you really want to be fit. To me, it's art. I like spending time on activities where I have something to show for my time spent. Everyone has something like that. And when you make time to do it, you're making yourself happier. 

Secondly, I've found that happiness isn't about singing, dancing and laughing all the time. It's about knowing that, no matter how bad things are today, you could have been worse off. It's about loving the life you have, even when you know there's more work to be done to make it better. It's about living in the now, enjoying the small but wonderful things life has to offer, and having it sooth you in ways you never imagined. 

The always smiling, never fighting, stage musical that is the happy life as seen on T.V. is a lie. And I'm glad. Because smiling or not, peaceful or not, with music or without, the joy in my life is there. And it always is. 

I only need to tap into it. 

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank you for giving me so many opportunities to be happy, to live my life the way You intended it.

I just want to ask that You please help me see them now. I've spent such a long time chasing after cheap thrills in order to simulate happiness that I'm not used to the real stuff any more. 

Help me find what adds value to my life and to the lives of those closest to me. 

Help me to find true happiness, the way You intended. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Materialism

One of the most dangerous developments in our modern culture is consumerism. All around us are messages and images about what we should be wanting and why we should be wanting it. Most often, these reasons are because this thing we're supposed to be desiring is a symbol of our success. 

We want bigger houses. We want faster cars. We want designer clothing. We want that Rolex watch. Hell, we want the Mont Blanc pens for when we sign credit buys. And on... and on... and on... 

And above all, we want more money in order to afford these things. Because if we can, we've arrived. We can show the people around us that we're more successful than them. That we have richer lives because of them. 

We make choices based on how much money we can make. Worst of all, we're changing our children into little materialists as well. 

Because hey! If you can afford all those status symbols, you're going to be so happy. Here's the thing, though. Buying expensive things don't make you happy. They give a short buzz. And then it's gone. And then you have to go buy something else to feel it again. I suspect that's why so many people are trapped, neck deep in credit card debts. 

But the thing is... what's it all really for? 

All this running around, chasing material gain. When you do gain it, what do you win?  

Because I can tell you what you lose. If you're picking for money first, you're missing out on a chance to do what you love. You're missing out on a chance to be happy. Truly happy. To have this core of absolute joy in your life that doesn't go away, no matter what. You might be missing out on a chance to see your children. You're probably losing your health and welfare to stress as we speak. You're probably selling your soul bit by bit in order to afford a little more. 

And your kids are watching/will watch you do this. They'll see this as normal. And when the time comes to make the choices about their lives, they'll put themselves through the meat grinder as well.  

When I look at it like that, materialism just doesn't really seem worth it. Is it to you? 

Once you answer that question to yourself, you'll find yourself much more able to decide your next steps. Because once you know the true value of money to yourself, it's won't constrain you in your choices. 

And that will make a huge difference once you want to take charge of your life. 

Prayer

Lord, 

I've fallen into the trap of materialism a long time ago. I want to get out of it, but it's difficult. It means I need to change the way I think about everything I want. 

Please guide me as I find my way towards making the right decisions for my life. Help me to break the chains of consumerism around me. 

Help me to make choices based on what I want, instead of what I'm told I should desire. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Kindness

When it comes to being happy, few things give one such a boost as being kind to other people.

I'm not just talking about charity deeds and so on. Sometimes, just smiling at a cashier and having a friendly chat with them is enough. Or smiling at people who pass you on the street.

You see, if you're a bit friendlier to the world, the world becomes a lot friendlier to you. And the fact is that God will bless you with joy if you bless others. (Or, if you don't believe in God, think karma. ;-))

If you feel a compunction to help someone, never miss that chance. Even if no one else seems to notice, you're making a difference in someone else's life. And the rewards for that are endless.

For one thing, you might learn how to deal with your own circumstances. Or you might be offered help in return.

Anything can happen. Which is why you shouldn't necessarily count on how and when you'll be repaid. It'll happen how and when you least expect it.

Prayer

Lord, 

I know that life is more than just me me me. I know there are many people who need a gentle touch or just someone who'll give them a bit of brightness in their lives. 

Please help me to see opportunities for kindness, Lord. Let me see who needs it and how I'm supposed to give it to them. 

And please bless my attempts to that I can use my life towards Your glory. 

I ask this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Jumping the Gun

Once we dealt with fear and know who we are and where we're supposed to be headed, we can sit down and think of our strategy.

I'm all for this. Having a goal with a sort of idea about how to get there. But then people jump the gun. They plan their futures and how life will be. And then they get stuck with their focus on the future. Which is a serious problem.

Because if you're stuck with your eyes in the future, you don't look around you in the present.

And the big disadvantage of that is that you miss short cuts and opportunities, that could have gotten you to your goal sooner. Or at least a lot easier.

So yes. Know what you want, but I suggest you focus on things you can do right now that will lead you closer to your goals.

Another thing I have about plans is that it makes me inflexible. Maybe it's because I'm human, but my plan only keeps me open to one or two possibilities. Anything more than that and I just don't have anything ready for it. I often talk to people who procrastinate on doing something because they don't have enough money or time to do it. It's as if our plans just don't work if we don't have the perfect starting position in place.

Honestly, though, life is a bit simpler than that. If you can't afford classes, find another way to learn. Or find away to earn the money. If you don't have time, stop trying to find blocks of it to devote to your goals and work to it bits at a time as much as possible.

That means you have to plan every move you make towards your goal, yes, but not every move you will make. It sounds like a small difference.

But in reality, it's life-changing.

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank You that I can trust in Your plans. That I can know that You are in full control of my future. 

Please help me to live in the present. Open my eyes to the possibilities and opportunities around me. And guide me in planning whatever I need to do right now to achieve my goals. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Internal Battles

In order to function in our lives, we condition ourselves every day. We bend over backwards to fit in with what our loved ones and our society expects from us.

The main expectation here is conformity. Sacrificing happiness for material gain.

We get rewarded for this. Encouraged to choose based on the above parameters.

And these parameters betray us. Because conforming and making choices based on money usually aren't all that conductive to being happy. Content, maybe. But we know how worthless contentment can be.

Still... once we come to this realization, this method of making choices are ingrained. Our value system... our measurement of success... everything is built around conformity and money.

So when we decide to move away from this way of thinking, the process is sort of like taking a wrecking ball to our personalities.

I'm not going to lie. It's a scary process. Because suddenly, your measuring stick is gone. And you can't blend into your surroundings. You're going to be picked out for being odd, because how dare you assume that you don't have to settle for a life you didn't want? Everyone else does.

And if you don't make money, you'll end up unable to compare yourself to those around you and say: wow. I'm more successful than other people.

I think some people will roll their eyes at this, but when you're in this phase of your life. Of having to refocus on the truth, you'll know how difficult this is.

I took about 6 months doing absolutely nothing because I couldn't trust my choices. I took around a year after that venturing forward bit by bit before I managed to know what I wanted. And only then did I plan.

But hey, someone might say. You said we must decide what to do and act on it.

And that's absolutely true. But usually, the first decision is to get out of the situation. And then, depending on the person, your new life starts. But you have no idea what to do with it. And that's where the changing of our values comes in.

Because if you don't change your values, the foundation to your choices will be the same. And if so, how do you expect to choose differently than before?

I think that's why so many people want to move forward, but move in cycles instead.

Before you can change your life, you need to change yourself.

Prayer

Lord, 

It's so dark and terrible where I am right now that I just want to run towards the first light I see. But You've taught me that everything looking like a solution isn't. And I don't ever want to come back to this place in my life ever again, so I know I need to change myself in a way You intended. 

Please guide me in this process, Lord. Help me to find the true measuring rod for success. Help me to be able to stand out to Your glory. Even when it means it sometimes feel like I'm alone. 

Thank You for always being with me. No matter what. 

Amen. 

A to Z Challenge: Hang in There

Up to now, I've dealt with a variety of things that happen when we start taking charge of our lives. Obviously, some of them will make the process incredibly difficult. Much more so than I can describe. 

But there's one thing I do want to encourage you to do. If you know that you're on the right track. If you've been hashing things out with God and the road you're on is where He wants you. Then there's only one thing to do. 

Hang in there. 

Sometimes it'll feel like you can't do a single thing more. Or that the people around you are making things too difficult. Or that you're tired of feeling so alone and unsupported. 

The only thing you can do is hang on (I strongly suggest clinging to God in particular). 

The first part of taking charge will be difficult, but it gets better as you settle into your new life. So whatever you do, don't give up. 

Prayer

Lord, 

I'm going through a difficult time right now. Things feel like they're much more challenging than I should be. I don't know how to go on. Without You, Lord, I know I can't. 

So please help me find the strength to continue. And guide me, Lord. Because if You don't want me to do this after all, I need to know so I can change my plans. Your will be done, Lord. Not mine. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen. 

A to Z Challenge: Guilt

Another emotion that can keep you stuck in your current situation is guilt. It's not as direct as fear, but in fact, it's much more damaging because of it.

Guilt never only comes at you from one direction. Once it has you questioning yourself, it multiplies until you question every single thing you're doing.

This is especially difficult in the beginning stages of taking charge of your life. You're just learning to spread you're wings. But suddenly, it feels wrong to want to leave the nest.

Even though you know it's not. 

You need to watch out for those closest to you. I'm not saying they're out to get you, but they can and often will level absolutely devastating attacks on you.

One particular favorite is something like: "But you were always fine with it before..." or  "I don't understand why you're doing this..." All meant to imply that you're a selfish little fool for wanting to improve your life.

My personal favorite is: "No one gets to live the life you wanted. Why won't you just get used to it and go on?"

The fact is. Wanting to live a better life is not selfish. Wanting keep people back from reaching their potential because you're uncomfortable change is.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

But there's another aspect to guilt that's even more devastating. Self-imposed guilt. See, when we start out in taking charge, we make mistakes. We stumble. Sometimes badly. And then, for some odd reason buried deep in our psyches, we flagellate ourselves for it. How could we not see this coming. Look at how terribly I failed. How can I take charge of my life if I can't even control what I eat?

And then... people give up. In droves.

That's why guilt is absolutely toxic to your life. So you made a mistake. It's okay to feel bad about it. But you can't let yourself drown in guilt. Because it won't get you anywhere.

Much more constructive is to spend time looking at why you stumbled and struggled. If you learn a lesson, the mistake isn't so bad. AND you'll be less likely to stumble over the exact same thing twice. Oh, you will maybe struggle with something similar, but never the same thing as before. And if you do, you learn again and keep going.

But don't collapse and cry because of guilt. If you move forward, guilt fades. And you'll have a lot more to show for it. 

Prayer

Two prayers today, depending on your current situation. You can also compare them if you're getting guilt from all directions. 

Lord, 

I'm sorry for making this mistake. I really should have seen it coming, I know. In fact, I feel a right idiot for missing the obvious until it was too late. 

Please Lord, forgive me for this mistake and help me to forgive myself for making it. I want to learn from this, Lord. I want to keep going on, living the way you intended me to. Please help me. 

and/or

Lord, 

Please help me with these people who are making the process even more difficult. Work in their hearts, Lord. Show them the way, that they can either support me or leave me alone. 

And if that isn't your will, Lord, strengthen me so that I can better deal with the guilt they're trying to lay on me. Please help me to remember that I love them, and that right now, they're just scared. That sometimes, they think they're acting in my interest. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Fear

Taking charge of your life is more than making a few decisions and just doing them. Like I mentioned, making and acting on decisions are really difficult. One of the biggest reasons is that you're going to have to start out without a reliable support system.

The other big reason is fear.

Not risk. Because a risk isn't technically an obstacle. It's actually nothing more and nothing less than the chance that something bad might happen. So no, it's not a risk that's keeping you back.

That honor goes to your fear alone.

Sometimes with good reason.

Fear kept me from changing majors in the beginning because I was afraid of what people I knew would think. (Incidentally the worst possible thing I had to fear.) Then came my fear of failing to succeed (not that I even had a clue of what success meant). Then came my fear for my financial stability.

But finances, I'm leaving for M-day.

The point is, there were serious fears in my life and I had to deal with them first before getting anywhere.

And let me tell you this. It takes a while. Addressing my fears and sorting out the after-effects of what I thought money was to me took about two years. It's really a big battle. I'll have post about this for I-day.

Difficult as the application may be, the concept of battling your fears is simple. It's the same process as making a decision, but with a little twist.

Since this is all about your fears, it's about you once again. What do you risk losing? What do you stand a chance of gaining?

To clarify even more, flip it around. If you stay where you are now, what do you have? What chances are you missing out on? In other words, what won't you gain because of missing that chance?

A good example I can think of comes from when I wanted to go into the arts. At that stage, I had a course that would give me some seriously good money if I stayed there long enough.

So obviously, doing something else would mean I'd lose my chances at getting a steady income. But if I did move on, I'd get a chance to do the things I'd always wanted to do.

And if I stayed, I would never get the time to do what I want.

To me, the fact that I'd always be chained to a desk in a career that's known for killing the people in it, without a chance of getting to do what I've always really wanted to do, just wasn't worth it.

And once you decide whether or not taking the risk is, you get to plan your strategy.

Prayer

Lord, 

I'm afraid, but I know You're here for me. Help me to address my fears, Lord. Please let me see the weights and balances of the risks to this decision. 

Guide me in realizing what You want me to do, and open my eyes so I can see just how insignificant my fears are in comparison. 

I pray this in Jesus's name. 

Amen.

A to Z Challenge: Expectations

Sorry for being so late to post today. Been struggling with a migraine all day. In fact, I still have it, but I'm not skipping a post.

So today, I want to prepare you for something you're really never going to expect.

The people closest to you, the ones you trust and love and expected to support you, probably won't.

In fact, they're going to resist the changes you bring about in your life again and again. For months, maybe even years.

It was like that when I decided to seriously follow my heart (and head) and go into the arts. The one person who I thought would support me in my quest to live a happier life, my mother, absolutely refused to support me.

We had constant fights about it, because she thought it was a phase. She didn't get at all that I was dead serious and more importantly, truly motivated for the first time in my life.

I once told my best friend that I wanted to live a life worth living and there's nothing wrong with living a life I want. Her response: Don't worry, you'll grow up soon enough.

Yeah... support... don't count on it. Because the people around you will think you're setting yourself up for failure. They think they're protecting you by trying to stop you from taking charge of your life.

Besides the protective aspect, there are also their expectations to contend with. My mother expected me to get a banking job or something similar. Someone else's husband might expect food on the table every night.

And when we inadvertently mess with the status quo, they put up a fight. Because hey, everyone was comfortable with the way things were before.

Well... cry me a river. No matter what my mother expected, I happen to know I would have blown my brains over my desk a few years after getting to it. And no, Ms Hypothetical, your husband won't starve from making his own meal for once.

I think you get the idea, but there's only one expectation I can guarantee for you. Expect to fight for everything you want to achieve. Sometimes hard.

Because the moment you give in, those people who were supposed to support you become your excuses.

And that will bring you back to A.

Prayer

Lord, 

Thank you for giving me the chance and the ability to take charge of my life. 

There's just one thing, Lord, that's really getting to me. This wall of ambivalence I'm hitting into everywhere. I know that I'm doing the right thing. I know that this is what You want me to do. 

So I pray that you please work in the hearts of the people who are so set against this journey. And if need be, give me the strength to continue without their support. 

In Jesus's name, 

Amen.