Friday, November 7, 2014

Looking for myself. Again...

I've come to a humbling realization recently. One that I think will be a difficult thing to write about (and a bit long, sorry!). At the same time, I feel I must.

The truth is, I feel like I haven't been an honest blogger.

It's a terrible thing for me to admit, because from the first day I wrote my first blog post back in 2010, I based the idea on basically two foundational pillars:

The first was honesty. The second was being interesting.

It was a good system. When it came to my writing blog, it meant that I had to keep writing in order to find interesting things to blog about.

Later, I started this blog, which was about me going after my dreams and sharing some of the lessons I learned from experience along the way.

Honestly, I think that for the first two years, this was a great blog.

It was honest.

It was interesting.

And truly, it was something positive. Living breathing proof that things do go well for people who go after their dreams.

Then came 2014.

I can safely say that I completely and utterly lost my mojo this year. Which really, isn't a bad thing, per se. Except that I lied by omission.

When stuff went wrong with my publishing deal, I wrote about how determined I was to bounce back. I did not write about how soul crushing it was to have this happening while my business, my only source of income, was failing.

It wasn't the failure of the business, really. Businesses fail. It happens. And honestly, by the time the critical break came, neither me, nor my mother (with whom I owned the business) were happy in it.

The real crush was that we put what we had left into the farm. Which for a while was a source of hope. Except, it took all of our savings and produced not a cent in return.

To give you an idea of sheer hell: All this was February. If you click the link, you'll see me mentioning that I was a "bit blue." It was me practically crying myself to sleep because my first publishing experience had all but turned into my worst nightmare. And it was only the start.

My family put all of our time, energy and money into making the farm work. Which meant that activities I'd always loved like singing, dancing, fencing, even painting got put aside to "when things are better."

I focused on my writing, more determined than ever to make that gig work. But with every passing day, the strain of having to put a happy/determined/brave face on it all when really, stuff sucked... It just wore me down to the point where I no longer felt like writing. And really. I didn't feel like blogging here either.

Because the truth is that I didn't want to admit that things were bad. This was the HAPPY!!! blog. The one where I encourage others and myself to go after dreams! To dare more! To dream more! To remember exactly how much we have to be thankful for.

And yes. I realize that I have a LOT to be thankful for. Through everything, I still had my amazing family right there with me. And I still do. We are all still healthy and together. (Except for me getting a bout of what I suspect to be Strep, and my brother getting tick bite fever last weekend.)

But there remains one point:

Being positive when everything you've accomplished in recent days goes to hell around you is actually a lot more soul-destroying than your life all but imploding in the first place. 

But keep a determinedly brave face on it all I did. But that's the thing I didn't realize at the time. I thought: It's just for a bit. Things will turn around. No one will ever notice. 

But when I started filtering my experiences for public consumption... I sanitized my life right out of a blog... about my life. 

Which meant I wrote less and less and less. And when I did write, it came through this fake, bland filter, which made everything I wrote seem like the worst ever case of sitting with strangers and discussing the weather because there's nothing else to discuss. And this blog all but died. 

And really, it deserved to. I lied. I. Lied. After taking it on myself to show people of how awesome things could be when things go as planned, I didn't give this shitty year the same treatment. 

Which I feel terribly enough. Although I think that subjecting you to the downward spiral that was my life this year wouldn't have been good, I do believe that if I had stuck with being honest, I could at least have made things interesting. 

I might have made things easier on myself too. Maybe, if I'd admitted that yes, my life sucked ass for the past eleven months, I wouldn't have gotten dragged so deep under towards the last few months. 

Full disclosure: No... I don't think I sank into depression yet. But the shoe business really started at the exact right moment.

Even with it, though, I'm fighting to get back to the place I was in December 2013. Full of optimism and full of belief that the year had unlimited potential. 

We're building back up, and today, we got a string of great news that's giving me hope that things are turning back around at last. 

But with this turnaround, there came a sense that I needed to take stock. That I needed to learn my lessons before I can move on. 

But it's good, I guess, because I can share my lessons and, who knows? Maybe help someone else. I guess that means that I'll have quite a bit to write about as I take stock. 

For now, I'm taking the blog feed off twitter and Facebook. Because really, I think I don't need the added pressure of trying to attract readers while I'm trying to find me, my life and my voice again. So if you're here for the upswing in the ride that's my life, I thank you. 

And if you are, and you pray, please do pray that the upswing keeps going. My family and I can really use the break. 

How are you doing, really? 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

On trolls

It's been a long time since I last shared a though-provoking video on this blog, but when I saw this tonight, I knew I had to share.

Especially since trolls seem to be so prevalent these days...

Friday, September 19, 2014

An Update and Shoes

Wow. I can't believe two months have passed since last posting. I definitely didn't think it'd be so long before returning to this blog.

Still, some pretty huge things have happened in my life, which has mostly been taking up my time. But before I get to that, I want to thank everyone who shared about my prayer request.

Right now, there's not really news on that front. We're now sitting tight and waiting until April 2015, during which parliament will decide whether or not they're going to pass the law granting 50% ownership to people who haven't paid for it.

So please, do continue praying for this, for the farm, for my family... Please don't stop praying.

Now, on to the good news:

About two weeks after my previous post, my mom/business partner signed the sole distribution for these shoes and others like them:

Since then, we've been on a roller coaster ride like none other because it seems like every second lady who sees the pictures wants to buy a pair. Or five.

This is amazing, of course. A complete blessing that fell out of the sky when I had started to think that all hope was lost. I thank God for this, because I truly don't think things would have gone this well without His help.

Without a doubt, this is a gift straight from His hands. It came completely unexpectedly, without us even really looking at shoes before the day my mom paid attention to them.

So yeah, if you think hope is lost, just keep praying. I'm pretty sure God has a solution around the corner just when you think there's nowhere left to go.

How are you doing? Anything you need prayers for?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Prayer Request

Hi all.

Yeah... I'm just not going to rewrite what I've written for my other blog. So if you could please click over, I'd be most thankful.


Friday, June 27, 2014

How I'm Doing on My 2014 Goals

Hey all! So sorry for my absence. I've been having a rough couple of weeks. I don't really want to go into things too much because complaining really sucks. But let's just say that life is putting me through the wringer and it's making it really hard to concentrate on finding things to blog about.

That said, today is the last Friday before the end of June, so I thought I'd do a post on how I've been doing on my goals lately. The colored sentences are my comments.


Read 75 books.
Behind on this, mainly because of the bad start I had to the year. 

Read more William Shakespeare, Jane Austen, and other classics.
Will get to this as soon as I've finished Les Miserables. I'm three quarters of the way through, but it's taking long because I'm reading bit by bit. 


Research relevant time periods and facts for various works in progress.
Haven't started on any works needing research. And once again, for everything I say that's behind, it's because of the first four months not being productive. 



The Countess
Haven't started. 
The Wedding
Haven't started.
Haven't started.
War of Six Crowns 4
Postponed until completion of Wo6C3 rewrite.
Optional: One other on my to-do list
Working on a non-fiction book about writing just to give me something to work on if the fiction doesn't feel like coming out.


Rough Draft.
Opsies and Lysties
Rough Draft
Rough Draft
Rough Draft.
Optional: One other on my To-Do List.
This will probably be one of the three books listed in Edits because I still need to rewrite them all. 


Eden’s Son
Postponed due to rough draft not being suitable for rewrites. 
Rewrite not started.
Rewrite not started.


Will be self publishing all of my books for the foreseeable future, but will update on each book's status: 

War of Six Crowns 3
Book being drafted again due to not being suitable for editing.
Birds vs Bastards
In process of being prepped for publishing before the end of the year. 
Any two of the “Edits” projects.


War of Six Crowns: The Heir’s Choice
Being prepped for publishing in October.


Make a point of visiting every follower and commenter on both main blogs.
Working on this, but probably will put this on the back burner.
Weekly posts on my War of Six Crowns Blog.
Not yet, since life in general is keeping me from regularly posting on any of my blogs.


Weigh 65kg by end March.
Maintain weight for the rest of the year.
Obsolete, since my new diet means I can't really pick up weight for as long as I stay on it.
Do yoga.
Do more exercise in general.
Trying to walk more and play tennis, although the rainy winter here puts a damper on those plans.
Eat healthily. I.E. The minimum refined carbs.
This I am doing. Since I'm eating NO refined carbs.
Do other arts. E.G. Paint. Needlepointing.
Doing needlepointing and crocheting at the moment. Want to paint, but the light's bad this time of the year.
Get involved with people with similar interests to me.
Got involved with a group in my church, so at least we have our faith in common. 
Get back to singing regularly.
Nope. And this is probably the one frustrating me the most. 

So yeah... Even optimistically, I'm not ever going to catch up on most of these things. And I'm not going to push myself to. But what I will do is check up on myself at the end of the year to see exactly how far I managed to get with everything. 

How are your goals going?