Taking Charge of My Life: Life

Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Please Pray

Hey all!

I was hoping to write a bit more of an interesting post, but today we've reached the make-or-break point in business negotiations, which means we're right in the balance between having another crap three or four months and actually seeing our problems solved.

Obviously, we're hoping these negotiations swing in the latter direction, so please pray that they go well.

In the meantime, I'm in for the most stressful wait of my life.

Misha

Friday, September 25, 2015

Progress for Quarter 3

Wow. I can't believe it's the end of September already. The next time I do this post, it will be at the end of the year.

Before I start, though, just want to say sorry for my absence this month. I was stuck without internet for most of it and simply couldn't get onto Blogger, let alone post anything.

But here I am, so let's see how I did so far.

The comments in blue are from Quarter 1. Quarter 2's comments are in blue italics. Quarter 3's comments are in blue bold.

Writing:

I want to finish as many of the following as possible:

(For simplicity’s sake, I’m going to list my projects by the Acronyms I use for them, since that’s what I use on my year planners as well. Also, I haven’t gotten around to revealing some titles yet, and now seems like the wrong time.)

Publish:

Wo6C1
Currently busy with final proofreading and copy-edits.
Final submissions made. I'm waiting for proof copies so that I can OK the paperbacks.
Published. Some loose ends to tie up.

Wo6C2
Currently busy with final proofreading and copy-edits.
Ditto.
Ditto.

BvB1
Currently busy with penultimate round of copy-edits.
I'll be getting into prepping for publishing in this quarter. I just need to recover from the first two a bit.
Am in the process of editing this for publishing before the end of the year.

ES1
Rewrite complete. Awaiting revisions.
I've gone through the book and there's not all that much to revise, so I'll be getting in some critiques soon. I might even do it in July/August.
Ended up not being able to get critiques in yet due to a variety of factors from my life. I am planning to get started this coming month, but obviously, publishing has been postponed until next year.

My Untethered Realms Anthology Short Story.
In for edits.
Feed-back is in. I need to submit for proof-reads at the end of July.
Done. The anthology will be out at the end of October.

Publishing Edits (possibly for publishing in 2015):

Wo6C3
Rewrite Prepped. Had to draft the whole thing again, which is why it's a bit behind.
I've managed a chapter.
Had a huge spurt of productivity and am currently in serious rewrite mode. I'm hoping to see rewrites completed next month.

BvB2
Rough draft in progress.
Haven't touched this since May. I've literally put everything except my two books for publishing aside.
Haven't touched this, but am planning to start after finishing rewrites.

Revisions and Rough Edits

O1
Rewrite in progress. This is a bit ahead of schedule.
Now solidly behind schedule.
Rewrites are done. I'm giving myself a short breather for this before revising and sending to CPs.

VD
Still awaiting rewrite.
And still waiting.
And waiting... (Seriously, though, I'm hoping to at least start rewriting before the end of the year.)

Rewrites:

Wo6C4
Postponed drafting this until next year, because editing Wo6C1 and 2 kept necessitating me re-drafting Wo6C3, which wasted time.
No change.
Still no change, although I've been figuring a lot of things out while rewriting Wo6C3, so I'm excited to get to this baby. That said, the time wasted from repeated re-drafts taught me a lesson, so I now have a strict no-rough-draft-sequels-until-previous-books'-edits-are-done policy. Which means the rough draft for this only has a hope of being started somewhere toward the middle of next year.

SS1
Awaiting rewrite.
No change.
I've decided to move the rewrite to early next year after another project cropped up and stole my attention. I will get to it. Just not as soon as I'd anticipated.

P
Rough draft complete, but I'm not happy with it, so I'm putting some thought into my concept and plot before drafting it again.
I'll be doing this concept work this quarter, hopefully.
The concept still hasn't fallen into place, so I've decided to put this onto the back-burner, which means I'll probably have a chance of looking at this again in the next two years or so.

MDtS
Awaiting rewrite.
No change.
Still no change, but I'm trying to see if/when I can squeeze this in early next year.

Rough Drafts (The ones I do by hand):

DD
Postponed as the concept still doesn't thrill me enough to actually work on it. So I'll probably get around to this one at some point in the next five years. (Yes, I am serious, and yes, I do have all these things scheduled. In fact, my current schedule runs until March of 2020 now.)

ES2
Postponed due to that no drafts while still editing previous book policy. I'll get to it before June next year.

CdW
Drafts will start in January, but I am currently working on the concept and research.

HM
Postponed this until 2017, so that I can have the whole of next year for research. I might need more time for research, though, since it's something that requires intensive information that can only be found at the other side of the country.

StW
Haven't started with any of these yet.
Still haven't started.
This has been on my to-write list since January, but the other projects higher up on this list has simply taken up too much time. I'm hoping to at least write a little bit of it before the year is out.

Reading

I want to read 75 books next year.
18 so far.
26 so far. I'm way behind because I didn't have time to read much in these past three months.
33 so far. It's a bit depressing, but then, I can't complain because my writing has been remarkably productive. (My choices for spending free time are usually between writing, reading or anything else. Writing has won most often this quarter.)
The minimum amounts of which must consist of:

5 books or plays in a language other than English.
1 so far.
2 so far.
Currently reading my third for the year.

5 plays by Shakespeare
1 so far.
Still only one.
Two so far.

5 classics other than Shakespeare, of which one must be Chaucer.
2 so far. Neither Chaucer.
Still only 2.
Am now on my fourth, but still not Chaucer.

5 non-fiction titles.
4 so far.
Still 4, with the fifth in progress.
I'm still on that fifth book, although it could be more, given that some of my blogging friends' books were non-fiction.

5 books by some of my blogging friends.
None yet. Siiiiigh.
Busy with my seventh.
10 so far.

Social Media:

I seriously need to sort out my Social Media stuff. I haven’t been near active enough last year. What this entails, though, is something I still need to wrap my head around.

Mostly, I'm working on getting back to blogging regularly, visiting blogs and getting out and about on Wattpad. Taking little steps that add up to some sort of whole.

I've fallen off the wagon a bit the last two weeks while I finalized my publishing submissions, but otherwise, I think I've been doing quite well. Especially on Wattpad, where my main "books" have been ranking on or off for some months.

I've been doing great for about two months, and then the internet disconnection this month screwed everything up. Now I'll have to start again.

Life:

Help my family build our own house. (Yep, brick by brick.)
This is side-lined for now, since we actually found another house to live in.
No longer relevant. Long, sordid story.
But I will say: Thank HEAVENS.

Sort out some sort of business that I can do on my own terms. (SO over trusting people to help me when they only help themselves at my cost.)
Working on this. Time will tell what pans out, though.
I'm in fact now working on two businesses, both of which seem to be doing well, although it's hard to be 100% sure when they're so young.
It's still a bit early to tell, but I think that in about two weeks I can call this one done.

Seriously. I need to get back to singing.
Nothing on this front yet. Life's still a bit rough.
Still nothing. I'm hoping to still get to this as my life continues to settle back down.
Holy cow. How is it already September?! Rough year. Hopefully I can still pull something together before this year is out.

Also, I really really want to paint this year. Other than the above-mentioned house’s walls.
Haven't started one yet, but am busy with some other crafty stuff.
Nothing new to report here.
I started a painting, but had to stop, because we might have to move soon, and moving a huge canvas covered in wet oil paint is no one's idea of fun.

Then, I want to continue with my more healthy diet, since it makes me feel good and gives me a lot more energy. (Useful when I’ll be lugging lots of bricks around.)
Yeah this is a bit harder than I thought. Still trying, though.
This I've done almost immediately after my last stock-taking post.
Er. Yes and no... I'm trying, but it's not easy when you have to pull in your belt and healthy food is EXPENSIVE.

Last of all, and probably most importantly, I need to get past all the stuff that’s happened this year, so that I can get through 2015 with as little contamination as possible.
Working on this, but it's also pretty dang difficult.
I seem to be getting there, but sometimes, I get reminded of it, and then I have to chill out all over again.
I feel like I've made some real progress here. Plus, this past quarter has seen my faith in humanity restored on multiple occasions.

Overall: I've been making some progress, especially with regards to publishing and my life. I think that especially my businesses are part of the reason why I'm a behind on my writing/editing goals, since my previously free time has largely gone into work. Which isn't a bad thing either.

Overall: I've had to shift a lot of goals around to later, but I am still getting a lot of things done this year that'll serve as a great foundation for the next.

Did you set goals for 2015? How are you doing?

Monday, September 7, 2015

Perceptions

Recently, I started re-reading The Three Musketeers. The last time I read it, it was abridged and I was in grade 10. The other time I read it, I was... gosh I don't know... ten? And it was unabridged.

This time, I'm reading it unabridged in French.

It's slow going. (Because I have to stop frequently to check that I'm translating correctly, and the book is huge.)

I'm now at the scene where D'Artagnan meets Rocheford. I stopped just after D'Artagnan challenged Rocheford.

And you know what's the one thing that's still sticking in my mind two days later?

D'Artagnan is being a bit of an asshole.

It's strange, because in neither of the two previous readings did I feel this way. In fact, he was always one of my favorite characters out there. (Although Athos beats him by a mile.)

Part of me wonders if I was just so young the first time that I simply decided that he was older (at eighteen) and therefore had to be right and just in his outrage.

However, I have a very good memory for books I've read (so much so that I can translate most of what I've read so far simply because I remembered the English unabridged wording from the first time I read the book.)

I don't remember this, though:

Rocheford, when confronted for laughing at D'Artagnan's horse, pointing out that he doesn't laugh often, but that he does reserve the right to laugh when it pleases him.

D'Artagnan says something along the lines of "Yes, but you should not laugh when it displeases me." (Which I took to mean: It's rude to laugh when it's upsetting to other people.)

Rocheford's response to the eighteen year old kid who already threatened him by pulling a foot-long section of his rapier out? "Truly sir? Okay. Fair enough."

And then he walks away.

D'Artagnan is the one who further instigates the fight between and Rocheford.

I don't remember ever reading something like this. Or seeing some version of this in any of the (many) movie versions I've seen. So much so that I think that either something is lost in the translation to English, or the editors in English have left this scene out. (Although I could be wrong and I just missed this scene twice.)

My point?

I couldn't help thinking, as I mulled this difference over, that this beautifully illustrates how tricky perceptions can be. Not only in reading, but in life as well. We have our perceptions manipulated all the time. (Having more stuff will make us happy. This is what "beautiful" looks like. Oh, so this is the hero of the story, but we can't have the complexity of him being a bit of an asshole, so let's take this bit out.)

Whether we like it or not, we make judgments (e.g. D'Artagnan = good, Rocheford = Bad) and those further form perceptions, not only in ourselves, but in the people who are being judged.

Such as poor people who are judged for being poor, without us even knowing the people. And then they, believing these perceptions, act according to the roles we've given them.

It's definitely something to be mindful of.

Does it mean that D'Artagnan's douche move will mean I don't like him anymore? Well... no. I might actually like him a bit more for his imperfection. But it is nice to get a clear view of him now.

Monday, August 31, 2015

The Thing About Wisdom and Voices Lost Through Censorship

It's actually Tuesday today. August 25, but something has been going on on my Facebook for the past two days that is bothering me so much that I decided to write about it. At the same time, I am not giving the person behind it the influence required to make me change my posting schedule in order to publish this and this is why this post is only going live today.

The truth is that I am furious, but I am trying to keep myself from ranting, because there's really no point. In fact, it would go exactly against the point I am trying to make. I am, however human, so if I come across as sharp in some way... Sorry. Kind of.

Yesterday, I got a status update on my Facebook that goes along the lines of the following:

"It scares me when people younger than the age of 30 gives lifecoaching and advice about living. And it's even worse because they try to be wise and then they're wiser-than-thou too. You only really know what life is about at 40, so before you try to give some advice, try living a little longer."

To which I responded, in short, that I am 26 and posting to this blog (and yes, I do give life dvice on it) and I think that it's wrong (specifically stereotyping) to assume that all people under (or over, for that matter) a certain age gives bad (or good) advice because of that.

The response:

"Blog or not, I won't fucking believe that anyone that hasn't lived 40+ years has enough life experience to advise anyone else on life. Once people reach that sort of age, they hang their head in shame for what they said in youth, because young people live in a bubble and believe it to be the whole world, and then they are arrogant and cocky too."

I typed a long response to this, but ended up deleting most of it, because I knew that in the end, it would only waste my time to engage further than I have. And my long comment most certainly would have resulted in a longer and longer argument with someone who doesn't even respect my opinion. The point is, though, that this kind of thinking needs to be talked about. And it goes beyond age. It goes to any possible form of otherness that we can think of. (Color. Sexual Orientation. Where you're born. How you speak. What language is spoken. Beliefs.)

For simplicity (and because it was the discrimination I have just been exposed to), age will be my focus.

But the WHOLE TIME I AM WRITING THIS,

I am aware of the fact that as discrimination goes,

I got it easy.

Although I wrote a short comment to close out my part of that discussion and left it at there, I feel that this needs to be part of a larger discussion. The gist of my comment was this:

I don't care what you think.

I will speak out.

I will share advice.

I will share my (much larger than people would think) life experience with other people.

Because if doing so helps one person,

my goals in writing this blog has been achieved.

More importantly:

Dismissing people's voices/advice

simply because of some otherness

creates a situation where all you ever hear

reinforces your own possibly narrow-minded world view.

THIS IS HOW BUBBLES ARE CREATED.

And this is how wisdom is lost.

I might be 26. I might not know everything about life, but I am wise enough to know that I never will until the day I die. And I am open-minded enough to learn from people around me. Be they my age, younger, older, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, straight, trans, gay, Christian like me, Christian not like me, or any other faith. Or of no faith whatsoever. Or any number of other othernesses that I'm not naming because to name them all would take a book.

Because being different from me

DOES NOT make your voice

have less value than mine.

AND IT DOES NOT!!!

GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO SILENCE YOU

Be it physically, or through ridicule,

or through trying to convince you

that somehow,

YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR VOICE.

Our opinions might be wrong,
but we deserve to have those opinions weighed by merit
instead of having them discounted simply because we're different.

And call me an idealist, but I expect similar treatment. Respect is a two-way road. Always. ALWAYS.

The world would be a much better place if a lot of people

GREW UP AND REALIZED THIS.

And sadly, that's not an age thing.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

A to Z of Things I Learned in 2014: Understanding

I've been trying to find a nice, upbeat everything-is-possible way of saying this, but I can't, so this post is short. (This post will be themed around Christianity, so feel free to not read on if you don't want to.)

Sometimes, things happen that we don't understand. Sometimes, those things change our lives. Sometimes they make our lives horrible. Sometimes they make us so happy and come so suddenly that we can't understand what the heck is going on.

Even if we see God in the equation, things are still so confusing. Is what I'm going through God's will? Really? If it is, why?

Why?
Why?
Why?

Our human characteristics make that we always want neat answers and to put everything, even our lives into a box. In doing so, we often want to submit God to the same treatment.

And it just doesn't work that way. God is infinite and all-knowing, and often the things He does defies our understanding. Even an explanation won't help, because our perspectives are so limited that even if He explained everything step by step, He'd lose us along the way.

So if we can't understand, what then?

Then we pray. Then we have faith. Then we trust.

Goodness. It's so hard even to write. Because even now, things are going on in my life that I don't understand and can't control, and those three things aren't easy for me to do. Okay no praying is easy. The trust bit? Not so much.

Our faith falters and as I mentioned in last week's post, we often forget to trust. So it's a fortunate thing that God loves us anyway, and won't desert us. And no matter what, He'll give us a way to get through and/or over our difficulties.

But often the first step is to stop trying to understand and start having faith.

Are you struggling with anything at the moment? You don't have to specify what that thing is. Just let me know and I'll pray for you. In return, I hope you'll pray for me and my family too, because the spectre of 2014 just doesn't seem to want to stay dead and I'm so, so very tired of fighting its many forms.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

A to Z of Lessons Learned in 2014: Solidarity

Just a quick recap for everyone who's new to this series: Because 2014 sucked as a year, I'm making it a mission to write about the A to Z of things I learned from the hard time. It's my way of finding something positive in a difficult time.

When I picked out words to go with each letter, I knew that Solidarity had to be S. Because in the past eighteen months, I've learned just how blessed I am to have a family and friends who jump right in to fight the good fight with me.

Times like these are when we see who's really with us, and I'm grateful to say that there were more of these angels in human form than my family and I had expected. Which isn't to say anything bad about the people in our lives.

It's just that after the events in 2014, we've lost a lot of faith in people. And then there was 2015, with more people seemingly out to prove that humanity just sucks.

And yet, our friends and family really stepped up even when we'd given up on hoping that anyone was on our side. These people proved to us that good is still out there. That we can't give up because they haven't given up on us.

They also taught me how much I want to be this friend to other people. Who's there when those people need me most.

So this is just a thank you. Even if they won't read this post.

I've thanked them personally too, of course. But the funny thing is that most of them didn't even want to be thanked.

They inspire me to be better.

They inspire me to be there.

Have you also seen solidarity at work in a hard time? Any people surprise you by coming through when you least expected it?

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A to Z of Things I Learned in 2014: Reasons

Hi all. Just a heads up that my post will be dealing about my faith. So if you'd rather not read it, maybe you'd like to find out how my writing's going?

If you are going to read on, I'm going to warn you that this subject is really tricky for me to write about, because I'm wrestling with my thoughts with it as I type.

2014 and the first three months of 2015 were rough on me and my family. Without going into too much detail, I'm just going to say that those 15 months cost us a lot. And even today, we're having to deal with some of the results of things that happened in this time.

In April, I decided to start writing about the things I'd learned because I wanted something positive to come out of my time. So instead of focusing on all of the things that went wrong.

Basically, what I'm doing is actively giving everything that's happened a reason.

I know a lot of people say that "everything has a reason." In a sense, that's true and not quite true at the same time.

Often, the simple reason behind something happening is really just that someone made a choice that has a terrible effect on other people's lives, unless the people who are affected in fact make a point to take something more from it somehow.

Sorry. I'm finding this really hard to write today, because so much of today's post involves the way God works. And let's face it. We just don't know. I mean, I can reason that He wouldn't actively do things to hurt His children. But it could also be that sometimes He puts us through difficult times to make us better people. (I know a lot of people believe this.)

I...think I fall somewhere in the middle of this. I think He does sometimes guide us into difficult places in life to teach us. Sometimes. There are some things that I just can't imagine Him doing, but then it could just be that my understanding is flawed. Most of the time, I just chalk it up as something I'll ask Him one day.

The point is that regardless of the answer, that even if God wants us to learn from what happened, we won't unless we decide to learn. So if we want to believe that everything happens for a reason, it's up to us to make it true by finding that reason.

Thoughts?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

A to Z of Things I Learned in 2014: Quiet

Hi all! Just a heads-up that this post loosely relates to my Christian faith. So if you'd rather not read about it, maybe you'd like to read about my writing?

Slowly, but surely, I'm making my way through the lessons learned in 2014. For those of you who missed it, I started this as my A to Z Challenge theme, but then life and the Internet and stuff got in the way.

I think that me writing about all this is a productive, even helpful way to work through a really craptastic year. So I decided to keep posting about it once a week until I get to Z.

Today, I'm writing about Quiet.

I don't know about you, but this is one of those things I struggle with. I can't sit still. Even when I'm doing nothing, I'm actually doing something like crocheting to keep focused on doing nothing. Yeah, I know how funny it sounds. The thing is just that basically, I've gone and taught myself to turn literally everything into words and pictures in my mind.

It's good, in that I can let my mind wander and come up with amazing ideas. It also helps me absorb more and to make links that I can later use in my writing. AND it helps me to write because I can theoretically look at a blank wall and come up with at least a 100 words to say about it (or something related to it).

What's not good is that it's pretty noisy in here, and it's a rare day indeed that I switch it off. Add to that t.v. and radio and social media and news and things just turn into chaos. Generally, I don't mind. I actually like the fact that words come to me with the minimal prodding. I like that ideas are already floating in my head, waiting to be discovered. Or sometimes not (I get story ideas in dreams every-so-often.)

It's just that... sometimes, it feels like everything becomes too loud. And then, it feels like I can't really hear God as well as I should. As I mentioned in my previous post, I believe that prayer should be a continuous, natural conversation with a friend who happens to be with me all the time. Sometimes, it's like trying to talk in a night club.

Night clubs are fun. They're just not good places to build relationships. So sometimes, it's necessary to turn things off and just listen.

The nice thing I discovered last year is that quiet is nice too. It helps me rest. Brings me a sense of peace. Especially in that it makes me more aware of God's presence in my life. Nowadays, life's getting noisy again, but I'm trying to steal moments of quiet. Just so that I can listen.

How about you? Also have noise in your head? How do you turn it off?

Monday, June 1, 2015

There, but for the grace of God, go I...

Although I'm just going to write this post stream-of-conscious-style and I really don't know where it's headed, it's probably going to feature God and Christianity in some way. So if that's not your thing, maybe you'd prefer to visit my writing blog?

In my country, we have a rampant unemployment problem. I mean really. It's bad. Add to that the fact that pensions and welfare barely covers the cost of survival... and it gives you an idea of the absolute nightmare it is to be on the wrong side of the bread-line. (Especially when minimum wage comes into play, but I'm not going to debate the pros and cons of minimum wage.)

The thing is that South Africa is generally seen as a place of opportunity. In a sense, it is. The problem is, however, that sometimes, this point of view leads to this idea that if somehow you're struggling, it's all your fault because opportunity is "ripe for the picking." This from the point of view of a lucky few who actually had access to these opportunities.

And no, I'm not talking about race, either. This thinking goes everywhere. The result is that often, the suffering of the people around us go unnoticed. Of course, this isn't helped by the fact that there are people who cynically try and rip people off a la Thenardier from Les Mis. They do muddle things up way too much, and make people in general so cynical that they look over the people who are suffering.

But last year, I've come to realize just how easy it is to lose everything due to things completely beyond our control. We lost last year due to a variety of factors - not limited to breaches of various contracts. We lost HUGE. Which is part of the reason why it's taking me six months to come to terms with last year.

And yet, I feel so fortunate.

Because we had those resources to lose. More than that, we're still in a state where we can bounce back.

A lot of people in my country would starve if a few elderly people didn't get their monthly state pensions to $120 per month. (Actually less, depending on the exchange rate.)

There aren't enough jobs for the untrained. There aren't jobs for the school leavers. There aren't enough resources for most people to bounce back after a bad year.

And that worries me. Because I've seen how fast and how far I fell this year alone. I've had a mere taste of the misery that cause, and I know that people are experiencing year after year of this.

Last year truly has opened my eyes to the suffering of others, because I could so easily have ended up in the same place, if not for God's grace.

The problem is...I don't know how to help anyone else.

Not yet, anyway. I'm working on it.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Today I realized I needed to scale back

I’m usually quite good at juggling a lot of different things, but sometimes as I juggle, I come to the sudden realization that I have too many balls in the air.

And on that realization, I have to systematically start decreasing them, or else everything starts crashing down around me.

That’s where I am at the moment. At the beginning of the month, I thought that setting the July 31 date would be more than enough time to do the final preparations for publishing. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) like I have a lot of editing rounds left or anything like that.

But this month is almost done and I’m still not feeling like I’m getting to the things I need to get to while still doing everything else.

Which means that I’ve decided to cut back. At the moment, my priorities are my business and my writing career. Anything else that puts a fixed obligation or deadline on me has to go. Anything else that doesn’t put a fixed obligation or deadline on me has to be evaluated and put into a priority list.

Which means that today, I’ve written two resignation letters and in the past week, I’ve been thinking about what I want my social networking to do for me.

The general idea here is that I want to work smarter while making more of an impact. So far, it does seem to be working.

In the meantime, though, I’m trying not to feel bad about the things I’ve had to quit. I don’t like quitting things I enjoyed. But sometimes, it just has to be done in order to further my ambitions.

And that’s okay.

What do you do when you feel like you’ve got too much going on at one time?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A to Z of Lessons Learned in 2014: Ownership

This is a bit of a tricky subject for me to write about, so please bear with me.

See, 2014 and about three months into 2015 have been the worst times I've experienced in years. Although it didn't touch my health and those of most of my loved ones (for which I remain thankful.)

But to sum up 2014: I saw basically everything of meaning that me and my family had built up for years lost through no fault of our own. (And the fallout continued into this year too. Although now I can safely say that things are going much better.)

The thing is that really, when nothing can be done, ownership hurts. Because it makes the loss so much more personal. I couldn't take complete ownership, though. I couldn't take ownership of other people's choices. Only my own. And their choices meant that there was nothing I could still do and still maintain my integrity.

I can take ownership of my integrity, though. Of my dignity as I went through a rough year.

I can still take ownership of things that I can control.

And the one thing I could control other than my dignity and integrity was what I'd do next. This is where taking ownership is a good thing.

Because when things go this badly, everything comes down to two options:

Get back up or don't.

I decided to get back onto my feet.

What about you? What's your relationship with ownership like?

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

A to Z of Things I Learned in 2014: Numb

As I mentioned before, last year was horrible for me. Almost nothing truly positive happened, and the good things to 2014 can largely be measured by all the negative things that didn't happen.

But a lot of bad things happened, mostly involved with people stabbing me and/or my family in the back.

I'd picked this word in March already, before the A to Z Challenge, and... well... even until this morning, I wasn't sure about what I'd learned.

Then, this morning, I ran into one of these back-stabbers.

And you know what? Other than a faint queasy feeling because it was a less than nice surprise, I felt nothing.

So becoming numb to my anger was the lesson I'd learned. Apparently, my soul knew this before my mind did. I'd learned not to be angry every time I see or think about people who hurt me.

In fact, I don't really feel hurt anymore. With every passing day, the hurt and anger is becoming more of a distant memory. And eventually one day, it'll probably strike me that I forgave them.

But for now, I think being numb is a good reaction, because it allows me to move on with my life regardless of what they think and/or do.

Which is just as well, because people who can so easily hurt those around them, truly don't deserve any more reaction than that.

Ever unexpectedly meet someone who hurt you? What happened?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Learning

Sorry for falling behind again. Life got a bit hectic for me two days ago, so I haven't been able to write at all.

One of the big things I'm learning from 2014 and the subsequent fallout this year is... well, to learn from it.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I can't really think of a better way to put it.

I mean, yes, I've always learned from my life. There are always mistakes made. Always things to learn.

Usually, though, it takes me a few months to gain the perspective needed for the process to happen automatically.

Waiting for the process to kick in didn't feel quite right this time, though. For one simple reason: I've spent a horrible year. I don't want to take months dwelling on it.

So this time I picked my theme so that I could purposefully look for those lessons and the positive aspects to what I've gone through. That way, I have to look at things from the right perspective.

Any you know what? It's really helping me. Writing about the things I've learned makes the things that have happened seem so much smaller in my mind. Yes, they're big. They had huge implications and ramifications in my life. But once the fallout is completely over (and I'm hoping that will be soon), the implications and ramifications that follow will be completely positive. And that positive effect on my life makes even the terrible year I've had worthwhile. It gives it meaning. A good meaning.That means I might one day look back on a year I would otherwise have written off, smiling.

Do you also sometimes push yourself to learn from your life?

Monday, April 13, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Kindness

During my very bad 2014, I've been thinking a lot about that saying. You know the one:

Always be kind, because everyone is struggling with something.

It's really one of those things that really hits home once you get nice and acquainted with struggle. See the thing is, we tend not to talk about our problems. Partly because we (often times correctly) assume that the person we're talking to won't want to hear it. Or sometimes because of pride. Or because it hurts too much. The reasons are endless.

Thus, most people could be struggling with huge, seemingly insurmountable problems and they won't talk about it.

And although we do it ourselves all the time, we forget this is true for other people. So the woman who's working three jobs to put food on the table becomes rude instead of exhausted. The man who's facing financial ruin becomes short-tempered instead of stressed out of his mind.

Then on top of this, the way we react toward such people make them withdraw even more. Just like you do when someone adds hurt on top of the bad stuff you're going through.

So yeah, I've come to realize just how important it is to be kind. If for no other reason, because I've been in a situation where even a tiny amount of true kindness means so much.

Have you ever been in a tough place, and the people around you made it just a bit worse?

Saturday, April 11, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Journey

Sometimes, I'm tempted to look back on this past year and wonder why any of it had happened. I mean, why go to the heights of excitement only to have the rug yanked out from under your feet more often than not?

That's a question I still don't really have an answer to. Yes, for some of it, I was stupid. Other times, I'd been careful. Life still went awry more often than not.

I do believe, though, that it's all part of the journey. No road is just a smooth, endless straight line to some destination. There will be ups and downs. And if I look up from those ups and downs and look around, I might actually see some beautiful scenery.

Like the way me and my family stood together through the harshest of times. And how we're continuing to do so while facing the fall-out.

Like those blessings I'd mentioned on the 2nd.

There is beauty all around, even in the darkest moments.

I have to look up from the road to see it, though.

Which is part of the reason why I'm continuing to write these posts even though some of them are very hard to do. There's beauty in learning too. And I'm hoping that these lessons are all part of preparing for the next leg of my journey.

A way to smooth the road just a little more.

Thoughts?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Humor

As I mentioned before, 2014 was bad, but the fallout of it only really hit between January and March 2015 and I'm still dealing with it even now while I'm writing this. I really wish that it wasn't so, because I'd really hoped that by the end of 2014, everything would have been dealt with and I could go on to (much) better things.

That said, things are going better now than it had been in February (which was the decided low point). Mostly, I'm trying to get through all this by looking for the positive rather than the negatives. It does help.

One aspect to this is by laughing. A lot. It means finding the funny side to things, because laughing about them means that I can realize there's more to life than the bad. And even the bad parts aren't all that big if looked at from the right perspective.

It makes me think of probably my favorite book opening of any books I've ever read.

"He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad."

(Scaramouche by Raphael Sabatini)

The world is mad and some people living in it are mad. Sometimes, things seem to happen for no reason, or if there is a reason, that reason is often driven by someone's selfishness, greed, small mindedness... and on and on.

Our being dour and not enjoying our lives won't make that go away. So really, we might as well laugh, and find ways to deal with the serious stuff as best we can.

Want to tell us your favorite joke?

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Anger and Acceptance

2014 was, as far as I can remember, the worst year I have ever experienced. It's so bad that I'm already three months into 2015 and I'm still working on coming to terms with everything that had happened.

Which is why my theme for this year is Lessons I Learned because of 2014. I know that the best way I can deal with this terrible time is to look for the positives. And the positives almost all come in the form of things I've learned.

This is probably the hardest theme I've ever chosen, because it needs for me to step back from everything and gain perspective. Which is also good for me. I just hope I can put it into words in a way that might help other people. (Sorry if the posts go on long! It's hard enough just to say what I'm feeling without trying to limit my words. I'll try to keep to 500 words, though.)

Okay. Let me take a deep breath and start at the beginning.

The truth is, I'm much more cynical than most people like to think. I'm not a pessimist, mind you. I just have this thing where I'm really good at reading people warts and all, which means that I'm prone to see the bad things and focus on them.

This isn't a good thing, so over the years I've taught myself to look for the positive side too and give people the benefit of the doubt. We all have strengths and weaknesses and which one shows is the big battle of each person's existence.

And if I want any chance at actually building relationships with people around me, I have to trust that the good side will win out with every person. This, honestly, isn't easy for me, but in 2013/2014, it was the easiest I've ever experienced.

And then I got betrayed.

Not once. Not twice. Four times. In ways that invariably destroyed at least one aspect to my life. My publishing goals. My business. My home. Twice.

I can't describe the way that feels.

Enraged. I was so furious every time that it made me feel physically sick. Just seeing something that reminded me of those people or hearing their names made me want to throw up.

Maybe it's a good thing that my anger took on such a physical form, because it made me take stock. I realized that feeling this way actually hurt me much more than the betrayal itself. And that got me to thinking...

All these betrayals made me want to do nothing more than to just close myself off from the world and never have anything to do with it again. I didn't want to try trusting people again. I didn't want anything to do with them.

The thing is, changing the way I want my life to be because of the actions of those people destroys any future relationship I might forge. Life-changing relationships. Loving relationships. True ones.

Which means that not only did those traitors destroy my publishing deal, my business, my home. Oh no. It also means I've given them permission to invade my life and destroy my relationships - past, present and future - as well.

My response, instead, has been to work towards accepting what's happened. Not "Oh well, that's too bad."

More:

I accept that people aren't always good.
I accept that some people can and will purposefully hurt me and those I love.
But I also accept that there are still people out there who are good people.
Those are the people for whom I'm risking to trust every time...
Even if it might mean I get hurt again.

Most of all:

I accept that while these events did a lot of damage...
They didn't put me down.
And I will rise up from the ashes and be happy despite those people's efforts.
Because what I refuse to accept
Is any further influence from their side on my life.

What have you learned to accept from 2014?

Heads-up! I've changed my comment form to pop-ups because the embedded version seems to be giving some people trouble. Word verification is turned off, though, so you can ignore the block that says "Prove you're not a robot." Sadly, I can't seem to remove it. Stupid Blogger.

Monday, March 30, 2015

My Progress for Quarter 1

Hey all! Tomorrow is the end of the first quarter of the year, so I thought I should look at the goals I'd set for 2015 and see how I'm doing so far. My comments are in blue.