Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A to Z Challenge: Anger and Acceptance

2014 was, as far as I can remember, the worst year I have ever experienced. It's so bad that I'm already three months into 2015 and I'm still working on coming to terms with everything that had happened.

Which is why my theme for this year is Lessons I Learned because of 2014. I know that the best way I can deal with this terrible time is to look for the positives. And the positives almost all come in the form of things I've learned.

This is probably the hardest theme I've ever chosen, because it needs for me to step back from everything and gain perspective. Which is also good for me. I just hope I can put it into words in a way that might help other people. (Sorry if the posts go on long! It's hard enough just to say what I'm feeling without trying to limit my words. I'll try to keep to 500 words, though.)



Okay. Let me take a deep breath and start at the beginning.

The truth is, I'm much more cynical than most people like to think. I'm not a pessimist, mind you. I just have this thing where I'm really good at reading people warts and all, which means that I'm prone to see the bad things and focus on them.

This isn't a good thing, so over the years I've taught myself to look for the positive side too and give people the benefit of the doubt. We all have strengths and weaknesses and which one shows is the big battle of each person's existence.

And if I want any chance at actually building relationships with people around me, I have to trust that the good side will win out with every person. This, honestly, isn't easy for me, but in 2013/2014, it was the easiest I've ever experienced.

And then I got betrayed.

Not once. Not twice. Four times. In ways that invariably destroyed at least one aspect to my life. My publishing goals. My business. My home. Twice.

I can't describe the way that feels.

Enraged. I was so furious every time that it made me feel physically sick. Just seeing something that reminded me of those people or hearing their names made me want to throw up.

Maybe it's a good thing that my anger took on such a physical form, because it made me take stock. I realized that feeling this way actually hurt me much more than the betrayal itself. And that got me to thinking...

All these betrayals made me want to do nothing more than to just close myself off from the world and never have anything to do with it again. I didn't want to try trusting people again. I didn't want anything to do with them.

The thing is, changing the way I want my life to be because of the actions of those people destroys any future relationship I might forge. Life-changing relationships. Loving relationships. True ones.

Which means that not only did those traitors destroy my publishing deal, my business, my home. Oh no. It also means I've given them permission to invade my life and destroy my relationships - past, present and future - as well.

My response, instead, has been to work towards accepting what's happened. Not "Oh well, that's too bad."

More:

I accept that people aren't always good.
I accept that some people can and will purposefully hurt me and those I love.
But I also accept that there are still people out there who are good people.
Those are the people for whom I'm risking to trust every time...
Even if it might mean I get hurt again. 

Most of all: 

I accept that while these events did a lot of damage...
They didn't put me down.
And I will rise up from the ashes and be happy despite those people's efforts.
Because what I refuse to accept
Is any further influence from their side on my life. 


What have you learned to accept from 2014?

Heads-up! I've changed my comment form to pop-ups because the embedded version seems to be giving some people trouble. Word verification is turned off, though, so you can ignore the block that says "Prove you're not a robot." Sadly, I can't seem to remove it. Stupid Blogger. 

16 comments:

Murees Dupé said...

I'm so sorry people caused you so much unhappiness. But you did bounce back stronger, because you are a great person. Don't ever forget that. You have a great attitude, which is one of the things I really admire about you, Misha. You picked yourself up and will prosper.

Dee said...

So sorry to hear that you had a bad year, but acceptance is the first step, so this is good! Hope everything gets better soon.

A Deecoded Life #AtoZchallenge

Timothy Brannan said...

That really sucks.
But I have been reading your blog off and on for years and you strike me as positive person and one willing to do the hard work needed.

I just hope you surround yourself with the right people.

--
Tim Brannan, The Other Side Blog
2015 A to Z of Vampires
http://theotherside.timsbrannan.com/

Sandy said...

Happy First day of the challenge. I like your attitude of moving on, and I do think writing about things is very cathartic, I know it was for me when my Mom died. I wrote about memories and it help me focus on the good, not the long drawn out bad towards the end. I never bother to count my words for a blog post, so am fine with whatever your number was. I am looking forward to getting better acquainted as journey through a-z. Like you the blogger captcha thing drives me nuts. I've never used it, and been ok without it, but even though I've always had mine disabled, it apparently pops up for some people and I don't know what that is. Would you let me know if you get it when you're on my blog? And if you do, if it's the block check you're not a robot vs the words, at least the check part is easier, I never can read those words.

Sandy at Bridge and Beyond by the way after clicking I'm not a robot, I still got number I needed to add and then a dancing robot appeared saying I can dance...weird.

Stephen Tremp said...

Misha, great that you can express yourself and not hold it n like so many people. I would think this helps with the acceptance part and also to move on. Thanks for sharing with us.

betty said...

Oh wow, that had to be hard to be betrayed so many times in such a short period of time! I can see why 2014 would have been such a difficult year. I do agree with what you wrote about acceptance, it does help at least to try to deal with all you've been through and how to rise above the ashes like you said!

betty

Sara C. Snider said...

Wow, it sounds like a really tough year. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. But, at the same time, you're becoming a stronger person because of it, and that's a good thing. I wish you the best in moving on, and finding the right people to surround yourself with. I'm especially glad you're not giving up. Keep going, keep fighting, and you'll reach your goals despite the people that try to tear you down.

Luana Krause said...

Universal themes - anger and acceptance. We all get angry but I believe that time helps to heal the wounds. And as your theme suggests, lessons learned. As long we learn something from our negative experiences, they are not wasted.

Barbara In Caneyhead said...

Bless your heart! You did have a rough 2014. I think forgiveness plays an intricate part in getting over betrayal. Forgiveness not just for the betrayers, but for yourself for perhaps being gullible, or choosing to ignore warning signs, etc. Hope your self made A to Z Therapy helps you continue to heal.
Life & Faith in Caneyhead
I am Ensign B ~ One of Tremp's Troops with the
A to Z Challenge

Al Diaz said...

Wow, Misha! There is so much here in the essence that I can relate to! I've also got physical consequences over anger due to things that happened with people. And the rejection to deal again with people is always there, always permanent, but like you, I also tried to get up and not let my past decide my future. There are good people out there, that's for sure. Good you took the determination to learn from this instead of letting it destroy your life further. Dragon Hugs!

Maggie Pinque said...

Misha,

I traveled on over here from the A to Z challenge. Life is a funny, exhausting, beautiful thing.

And events like HUGE betrayals *do* get better. I promise. They also make you So. Much. Stronger. than you ever thought you could be.

Carry on ~ I'll be popping in every day to see how your affirmations go.

xo

Maggie Pinque
A to Z Challenger # 425
theglasshouseretreat.com

Ella said...

I wish I could hug you~ I had a rough time from Dec 2013-2014, too. YOU are learning and you will go into life differently-with a stronger spirit~
I am sorry for all you have endured~
Sometimes, people are toxic-
I wish and hope good things happen to for you! (((hugs)))

Nita said...

Anger and Acceptance, a good pairing.Sorry for the betrayals, glad you found a constructive, helpful way to deal with them.

When the cat is away said...

Hi!

I also stumbled over your blog via the ABC challenge, and I really liked what I was reading. I can relate to you on so many levels! I also had a bad 2014 (I was at the nut house for several months), but now I’m slowly recovering. I’m just about fulfilling one of my dreams – getting cats.

I really love the theme of you’re A to Z challenge, and acceptance / anger is definitely a very important topic (and skill!).

I’ve just added your blog to my RSS reader and I’m looking forward to reading your B-Z!

All the best!

A2Z challenge. www.whenthecatisaway.com Participant number 1449.

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks so much Murees.

Thanks, Dee.

Hi Timothy! I'm definitely going to be more picky with who I trust. But it's a tricky thing to balance.

Sandy, I definitely think writing about this is cathartic.

Stephen yeah holding in is never a good idea. This I know.

Thanks for stopping by, Betty.

Thanks, Sara.

Luana, that's exactly how I see it too.

Barbara, you've taken my planned words out of my mouth. Forgiveness is coming up on F-day.

Hey Al! I hope you also have success with getting over your hurt.

Thanks for stopping by, Maggie!

Ella, I hope 2015 is blessed for you.

Thanks, Nita.

Thanks for stopping by, Cat. (Will be visiting your blog right now to see if I can't find your real name.) All the best with your recovery!

Mindi said...

When we're betrayed, it's so easy to generalize people as being "bad". It took me a long time to start to see the good in people. I'm still working on it. ;)

But seriously, THIS:

"I realized that feeling this way actually hurt me much more than the betrayal itself. And that got me to thinking..."

I've found that writing really helps me work through things and I hope it will help you too. Love your blog.