Sunday, April 1, 2012

A to Z Challenge: Alone


A few years ago, I hit rock bottom. I never used, never got drunk, never got addicted to anything, except to escaping. But when I hit the bottom, there was no escape. Things that usually gave me a few hours of comparative freedom felt like they were mere distractions. 


In truth, they felt meaningless. 
Sad thing is, this was a downward road that I had chosen. I thought, why would it be a bad idea to study for something that would make me a lot of money? After I retire at thirty-five, I'd do whatever I want. Except it was. It went against my personality, my passions, my interests. Everything. For eighteen months I paid for my test scores with little bits of my soul until I finally convinced my parents to let me switch. 

Photo by Reckless Dream Photography
But they wouldn't let me pick my passion, because it was different from what people expect from a brain like mine. I can't even begin to describe how much I resented my mind by the time I was in my third year. Because it was my mind that had locked me into my downward death spin. 

And then... I realized I couldn't go any further without my life being in danger. And it was the best thing that could happen to me, because for the first time in THREE YEARS, I had a really honest talk with God. 

When I was supposed to pick the courses I wanted to take, I prayed he'd guide me in my choice between three, pushing the fourth and correct option far back to the back of my mind. At rock bottom, there's actually a lot of light. Stark stark light. It brings out everything, every choice I made. It put things into the right perspective. 

There I sat, alone, picking up my old dreams and inspecting them. They were battered and hurt, but still salvageable. 

"These are what I want for you, kiddo," God said. 

And I clutched them to my heart ever since. Knowing that they were my goals, I finished my nightmare degree and I truly escaped that part of my life forever. 

Do you sometimes feel as if you're alone, lost and in a dark place? Do you also have some battered dreams lurking in the dark places of your mind, waiting for a chance to be revived? Ever thought of positive ways to revive them? 

28 comments:

Mary@GigglesandGuns said...

Oh Misha! As always outstanding. I am just reviving my dreams. Thank heaven you revived at a much younger age.

Claudia Moser said...

What an amazing start for the challenge, well done, and yes I do understand hat you mean!

Cindy said...

I think life can be feel empty if we don't have any dreams to look foward to.

Geoff Maritz said...

Ten years now. Oh well, life goes on.
Nice way to begin the challenge, very open and honest. You're OK now though, aren't you?
Bless you Misha, Geoff.

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks!

I'm praying for you and your efforts to revive your dreams. :-)

Ruth said...

There are days that I feel alone. I think everyone does from time to time.

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed my post. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

I agree with you there. It can be a really bad way to live.

Misha Gericke said...

Yes Geoff, I'm better now than I was for years before I started my journey. Thank you for asking.

:-)

Misha Gericke said...

Definitely. It's just not a good thing when it's long periods of feeling like that. Thanks for stopping by!

Jennee Thompson said...

Great post. I've been there too and sometimes I kinda go down that route from time to time. Money or careers won't make us happy, it's the small things that give us joy.

DevotedMommy said...

Beautifully transparent & well written!

Sylvia Ney said...

Thank you so much for sharing this testimony! May God continue to bless.

New follower here. I’m enjoying reading my fellow “A to Z”ers. I look forward to visiting again.

Sylvia
http://www.writinginwonderland.blogspot.com/

Martha said...

We have to follow our dreams no matter what - Awesome A post!

Misha Gericke said...

I agree, but if you think about it, they aren't really small things if they make us happy. They become really really important. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Thank you!

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks so much, for the visit, the blessing and the follow. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Absolutely. To me it's pretty much a matter of survival. :-)

EngineerQueen said...

what a fabulous post. :) I recently made A LOT of changes in my life as well. Taking steps to reclaim my life, and be a better happier, more productive person who is finally realizing some dreams and life goals. you are right.. it came down to a matter of survival.. either I could go on drowning OR i could make the changes that would make going on bearable.

AtJIllsReviews said...

Great post Misha. I learned some years ago to value each new day as if it were my last, and I try to do so still

Anna Tan said...

I sometimes feel that way.
The job I'm in now, though I like it very much, is not what I'd imagine for myself for the rest of my life.
Now just to convince my mum that she can let me let go...

F.... said...

Heroic to never lose hope. :) Great blog!

Misha Gericke said...

Yep it's true. And I agree with you that it's about taking steps. One doesn't change one's life in one day. You do it a bit at a time. Good luck!

Misha Gericke said...

That's definitely the way to live. My mother's motto is: Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.

Really helps me. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Yeah I know the feeling. Sort of in the same boat. But the way I see it, my job sort of makes it possible for me to prepare for the rest of my life.

It makes things much more tolerable. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks! :-)

Amateur Khoikhoi said...

"At rock bottom, there's actually a lot of light. Stark stark light. It brings out everything, every choice I made." What an extremely strongly resonant statement! I might just need to quote you at some stage ;-)

Amateur Khoikhoi said...

"At rock bottom, there's actually a lot of light. Stark stark light. It brings out everything, every choice I made." What a strong resonant statement. I might just have too quote you at some stage ;-)