A to Z of Things I Learned in 2014: Numb

As I mentioned before, last year was horrible for me. Almost nothing truly positive happened, and the good things to 2014 can largely be measured by all the negative things that didn't happen.

But a lot of bad things happened, mostly involved with people stabbing me and/or my family in the back.

I'd picked this word in March already, before the A to Z Challenge, and... well... even until this morning, I wasn't sure about what I'd learned.

Then, this morning, I ran into one of these back-stabbers.

And you know what? Other than a faint queasy feeling because it was a less than nice surprise, I felt nothing.

So becoming numb to my anger was the lesson I'd learned. Apparently, my soul knew this before my mind did. I'd learned not to be angry every time I see or think about people who hurt me.

In fact, I don't really feel hurt anymore. With every passing day, the hurt and anger is becoming more of a distant memory. And eventually one day, it'll probably strike me that I forgave them.

But for now, I think being numb is a good reaction, because it allows me to move on with my life regardless of what they think and/or do.

Which is just as well, because people who can so easily hurt those around them, truly don't deserve any more reaction than that.

Ever unexpectedly meet someone who hurt you? What happened?

A to Z Challenge: Forgive

My Internet connection is still kicking my behind, so I'm still not caught up. Oh well. I'm just going to keep going as best I can.

When it comes to lessons I learned in 2014, I don't think there's any one of them that I learned (or am still learning) than forgiveness.

It's a hard lesson. Especially given the amount of damage the people who betrayed me had done. My natural inclination is to fight back. Which means that if I can't fight back more than I already have, my natural inclination is to cling to my anger.

It's a bit of a defense mechanism too, I think. When I'm furious, I don't feel much beside the fury. Which means that I don't really experience the pain like I should. (More on this later, if the Internet holds.)

The thing is, while anger is a valid response, clinging to it is bad. I'm figuring any Christian knows that we're supposed to forgive. If for no other reason, then because we've been forgiven by God. I'm not focusing on this, though. This doesn't mean I see this fact as any less true. Instead, it's just because I've known this truth for most of my life.

Last year, though, when my anger took on physical manifestations like nausea, migraines, body aches and exhaustion, I realized that there's a reason why the Bible tells us not to let the sun set on our anger.

Simply put, it's just not good for us.

Last year, right in the midst of my situation with my publisher (which was pretty much the first step in a long line of crap events in the year.) I happened to see this quote on Twitter:

Holding on to anger is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. 

Luckily it stuck, because as soon as I felt that poison working, I knew to purge it as fast as I could. The first thing I did was to find a way to get my anger out as fast as possible. (Writing is very effective at that.) Then, I've started focusing on forgiving the people who'd hurt me.

Not going to say it's easy. But at least now, I can write about all this without instantly feeling bitter about it. Which is saying a lot, because the temptation was certainly there.

Of course, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it alone. But God has a way of giving me supernatural strength of will when it's good for me. Which is another thing I learned. Praying for help in forgiving someone is probably the best way to get it done.

What about you? Have you gone about forgiving someone for hurting you? 

Four lessons I'm taking into 2015...

So... I'm still stuck without reliable Internet access. Which is why I've been so very quiet lately.

Still alive. Quite well. And... camping. Yep. My family of five members, three dogs, six cats and a parrot are currently living in two caravans, since we're living on a farm now where we still need to build the house.

Add to that the fact that it was silly season (not sure if it's the same up north, but in South Africa, at least, EVERYTHING except retail closes or is reduced to skeleton staff at end November.) which meant that we couldn't submit the planning permission required to start building. (Nor, for that matter, could we even have the plans drawn.)

Anyway. As I mentioned quite a few times: last year sucked. And... well... things didn't simply snap back when January 1 dawned. I'm still carrying the wounds from last year and there are still a few things (like an announcement on Facebook by someone I thought I'd unfriended, but I forgot to unlike her page) that hit me like a punch to the gut.

At the same time, though, I am feeling better.

Because... for now at least, it's all over. By the end of last year, the things that went wrong, did so spectacularly. But the fireworks are over. Now all I have to deal with is the smoldering remains. Which is quite a nice change, frankly, after so much drama and explosions.

For one thing, it's so much more... peaceful, which means that I've written almost 70 thousand words since December started and I've read a third of the amount of books I read in 2014, in the first week of January.

I'm getting a lot done at the moment, and in doing so, I'm actually doing a lot of other things as well:

1) I'm trusting God. Honestly, last year was so hard towards the end that my trust had been shaken. But now that things are calming down again, I'm able to gain some perspective on 2014. And it's something I just do know: Even if I don't understand, God's still there, and He still has my back. Now that I remember that again, I'm peaceful, which I can't honestly say is a state I've been in since mmm...  I don't know... December 2013.

2) I'm working to forgive. This one is hard. This is the one where all nature of things remind me of what went wrong, who wronged me and how they did it. Once I used to be an angry and vindictive person, and it could be so easy to get back to that, but the truth is, no matter what, the one who gets the most damage from me not forgiving is me. So what's the point? These people hurt me. Quite a few of them cut to the quick. My automatic reaction to go cut even deeper than that, but in doing so, I would lose myself. Which hurts me even more. By acting on this desire for vengeance, I'd only be hurting myself in ways that no one else ever could. It's not worth it. They aren't worth my happiness. Besides, I happen to believe that people get what they deserve. If not now, then in the afterlife. God's job is to judge. Mine is to learn, let go and move on.

Neither are easy, but both are doable. It starts with a few prayers for help. It continues with listening to that soft, gentle voice inside. It finishes with taking the right actions. Like unfollowing/unliking someone rather than leaving a nasty comment. Like knowing that at least I can continue living my life without having compromised on who I am. And...

3) I'm being grateful. Sometimes, this is all the perspective we need. Because throughout all the bad stuff that went wrong in 2014, there is much to be grateful for. Like... we're all healthy and alive. And we found the perfect place to stay (the fact that there's no house aside.).

Lastly:

4) I've regained hope. At some stage, I've given up hope that things would ever be okay again, but they are. And they will get better. I just need to keep going.

How was your year in 2014? Any lessons you're taking into 2015?

On anger.

I was recently invited to submit a short story for an anthology. I didn't think I'd submit anything, since I don't usually write short stories. Still, the people who'd invited me were friends, so I didn't want to let them down.

I ended up writing this story about a ghost. I didn't have even a tiny idea where the story was going, but as I went on, I realized what the truth in the story was.

The ghost was trapped outside of existence by her anger. She couldn't live, and she couldn't move on.

Sounds a lot like real life, doesn't it?

I mean, so many of us cling to anger. Like my ghost character, we do it without realizing it. And that anger keeps us trapped in a vicious circle of resentment and bitterness.

We can't just live our lives if we have anger in our hearts, so if you are carrying some anger around, I pray that you can find a way to forgive the person who angered you.

It's a difficult thing, I know. People hurt us all the time. They damage us, and forgiving them means we have to just let go of all that.

Which is the point.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get angry. That's impossible. But as it says in Ephesians 4:26 (New American Standard Bible):

BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

See when we're angry, the temptation to sin is always there, because any way you can think of to hurt the person back is sin. 

The thing is that sin doesn't only damage the person you hurt. It gets you too. It's the same thing with the person who hurt you. They're not getting away as scot free as you'd think. 

As for the second part of the verse, not letting the sun go down on our anger, that's so important. Anger festers when it's kept buried in our hearts, and it poisons us every day we keep it there. So long after the initial act/situation hurt us, we keep hurting ourselves by holding on to our anger. 

Don't do it! It's much easier to lay your anger at our Father's feet and let Him handle it. His judgement is always fair, and handing over our anger frees us. 

I pray that if you are hurt, or if you've been carrying anger and resentment around for some time, that God will give you the strength you need to escape the vicious circle.