Some days are just rough.
Truth be told, it's probably my own fault. All day long I've been feeling this urging to read the Bible and to just be quiet with God.
But in the end, my mind just wouldn't stay still and by lunch, I stopped trying. Went to church, was great.
The moment I left the building, it was as if there was a firing squad arranged in front of me, waiting for the command to shoot. By the time I was in my car, despair washed over me. Doubts rose to my neck.
By the time I was home, my outlook was bleak, which prompted me to say something stupid about an inane comment my mom made.
Which led to a fight, which led to me feeling any worse, because I've practically been told that I over-react all the time (uhm... no), that I go out to make people angry (really? is that my other hobby when I'm not drowning babies?) and worst of all, the more I deny it, and get angry, the more these apparent weaknesses are rubbed in my nose, because aren't I over-reacting to what she said?
Seconds later I'm stewing in my own juices, because what's the point of externalizing my feelings when it will add another weakness to my list? And the moment I stew, it becomes a problem, because the fact is that I start wondering.
About myself... Am I really that bad? If I don't deny it to myself immediately, it starts a slippery decline down an incline I'm still climbing. See I used to be very cynical, and made things out to be much worse than they were. I used to alienate people by being angry and making people angry. But those days are over. Washed away by God's love and the passage of five years. But if I open myself up...
Fortunately, God gave me a chance to sit back and think. And see. This isn't me and my mother. This is me and Him and the enemy fighting to tear me down. I suddenly see it all....
1) Germinate the seeds of doubt...
2) Divide and conquer.
3) Plant more seeds.
4) Hit the poor idiot who briefly dropped her defenses with everything you have.
5) And then some. Including ALL of the old weaknesses that the fool thought she dealt with.
6) Rinse and repeat.
7) Hope she won't catch on too quick.
So... here I am. Feeling a little stupid that I fell for it YET AGAIN and really wishing that I managed to grind my teeth and shut up before reacting.
Recognize any of the above in your life? Don't let it go on too long. Fight it. Pray about it. Forgive (As impossible as that feels). Love (As more impossible as that feels). Don't be scared to take the enemy on on the Authority that God gave you as His child. And keep doing whatever it is you're doing, because the enemy only tries to nail you when you're doing something good. It's why he does it.
Excuse me while I go evil bashing. Good night!