Sunday, September 25, 2011

When the enemy attacks...

Some days are just rough.

Truth be told, it's probably my own fault. All day long I've been feeling this urging to read the Bible and to just be quiet with God.

But in the end, my mind just wouldn't stay still and by lunch, I stopped trying. Went to church, was great.

The moment I left the building, it was as if there was a firing squad arranged in front of me, waiting for the command to shoot. By the time I was in my car, despair washed over me. Doubts rose to my neck.

By the time I was home, my outlook was bleak, which prompted me to say something stupid about an inane comment my mom made.

Which led to a fight, which led to me feeling any worse, because I've practically been told that I over-react all the time (uhm... no), that I go out to make people angry (really? is that my other hobby when I'm not drowning babies?) and worst of all, the more I deny it, and get angry, the more these apparent weaknesses are rubbed in my nose, because aren't I over-reacting to what she said?

Seconds later I'm stewing in my own juices, because what's the point of externalizing my feelings when it will add another weakness to my list? And the moment I stew, it becomes a problem, because the fact is that I start wondering.

About myself... Am I really that bad? If I don't deny it to myself immediately, it starts a slippery decline down an incline I'm still climbing. See I used to be very cynical, and made things out to be much worse than they were. I used to alienate people by being angry and making people angry. But those days are over. Washed away by God's love and the passage of five years. But if I open myself up...

Fortunately, God gave me a chance to sit back and think. And see. This isn't me and my mother. This is me and Him and the enemy fighting to tear me down. I suddenly see it all....

1) Germinate the seeds of doubt...
2) Divide and conquer.
3) Plant more seeds.
4) Hit the poor idiot who briefly dropped her defenses with everything you have.
5) And then some. Including ALL of the old weaknesses that the fool thought she dealt with.
6) Rinse and repeat.
7) Hope she won't catch on too quick.

So... here I am. Feeling a little stupid that I fell for it YET AGAIN and really wishing that I managed to grind my teeth and shut up before reacting.

Recognize any of the above in your life? Don't let it go on too long. Fight it. Pray about it. Forgive (As impossible as that feels). Love (As more impossible as that feels). Don't be scared to take the enemy on on the Authority that God gave you as His child. And keep doing whatever it is you're doing, because the enemy only tries to nail you when you're doing something good. It's why he does it.

God bless.

Excuse me while I go evil bashing. Good night!


Joanne said...

Amen Sista! You have written what I have felt over and over again! I feel ok I am getting ahead and then boom... I feel that I regress right back to the feelings of anger and resentment and bitterness. It is a blessing that you have recognized this and are moving on. God Bless you in your Quest to His light!
Blessings, Joanne

Steph Schmidt said...

Don't berate yourself for "overreacting." I use to think I did the same until I read this article , changed my perspective a great deal when I deal with other people now. Breathe deep, run out all this stress and place your trust in God. Also, stop praying for Patience Misha, he'll test you more when you do!

Kari Marie said...

Misha - I can totally relate! That feeling of slipping backwards is debilitating. It makes me feel helpless. That's when I need God the most.

Keep the faith!

Judy Croome said...

Misha, as I've got older and my faith has expanded and taken on different shapes one thing I've come to realise: it doesn't matter if, on occasion, you "lose" it. What does matters is how quickly you regain mastery over your inner Self; that is, how quickly you move back to a point of inner peace. External things will always be there to test us and some days we are less strong than others. On those days the spiritual victory lies in letting go the negativity and doubt as quickly as possible and moving on, a tiny bit stronger and more perspicacious about our inner demons than we were before the incident.

Judy, South Africa

Faith said...

I used to be a super cynic who lived with anger as well... grace helped me move on. I'm still learning and growing and sometimes seem to make more progress backward than forward, but I keep trying. I'm right there with you... needing God's grace and the humility to realize I can't overcome the darkness on my own.

Victoria Dixon said...

Misha, we might be linked. I have been in a slippery downward slide emotionally for over a year, but yesterday was really bad. I didn't have it out with anyone - I've learned to feel that fight brewing and I squish it by reminding myself that my husband (the usual recipient) doesn't deserve the attack. But that means I have to deal with all the trash roiling around in my gut. I prayed, I wept, I SLEPT and here is today. Not quite as bad, but then, today is THE day I poke the agent about the ms. And I'm positive that's what the anxiety was about yesterday. Am I going to slide further into the doldrums if she asks for more time, which I expect she'll do - I don't know. I hope not. What I WISH I could do is spark my creativity in a broad-based way. I think I'll take the dog for a walk before I contact the agent. :D