Friday, July 29, 2011

Attacked by fear.

Funny how fast it happens.

One minute I'm at a high, seeing that opportunities are opening for me.

And then... fear hits. Not just something like being afraid of spiders or mice, but rather a fear of failure. A distant memory that becomes more real because I'm repeating exactly the same subject as the one that is without a doubt, the greatest failure in my life.

It takes hold and suddenly all of my thoughts turn in, focusing on the fear.

Then starts the whorl. My thoughts start to chase their tails, running around in circles about one axis: the fear.

It completely paralyses me, filling me with even more fears, because fear breads. Splits and multiplies like a cancerous cell.

I don't know where I would have ended up if not for a little voice. One that said:

"Misha! Quickly, think of a flower." 

My reactions was identical yours now: Huh?! 

And that was the point. God gave me the ammunition I needed to shoot fear down. Because He made me snap out of the destructive thinking pattern to something different. From there I could wrest control back over my thoughts and control how I would think about my worries.

Most of the original thoughts were valid, but the ones that came after weren't. Once I knew that, I could look at my situation and list solutions.

And you know what? The first solution was the best in the end.

Now I feel like I have a grip on one fifth of my Exam marks when I'm writing exams (one third during my test). I will gain the upper hand over this subject lecturer by lecturer. And I won't fail this again. I'll make it a massive success, smile at everyone who says that I should do honors, and walk away into the rest of my life.

Fear is not going to get a lasting grip on me now.

What about you? Ever got hit by fear? How did you deal with it?

9 comments:

D. U. Okonkwo said...

Great stuff. Just remember Romans 8:28, 'All things work together for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.'

Geoff Maritz said...

What on earth are you afraid of? Failure? What is failure?
Failure is not even trying.
You go girl, and to hell with the consequences.
Thank you Lord for the small quiet voice that tells me to keep on keeping on.
I'm with you Misha, all the way, Geoff.

The Desert Rocks said...

You are correct about God telling you about the flower. Fear not!
Nice post!

Lindsay N. Currie said...

Good post! One of my favorite quotes is something like "you can never fail if you never stop trying" Sorry if I butchered the exact phrasing and apologies for not remembering who wrote it, but it really speaks to me.

Stephen Tremp said...

Not very often. The only time fear attacks me is waking me up in the middle of the night and worrying about things with easy solutions. We have some praise music by the bed we play and that always does the job for me and helps me fall back to sleep.

C. N. Nevets said...

I usually see the fear coming and find some way to rationalize bailing out sooner so that I don't have to get the fear. Oy.

Nas Dean said...

Great post and so true. It's so hard to let go of fears.

But we have to keep on trying.

All the best!

Peaches said...

For some people, exams can render them fearful and powerless. I used to be scared of exams. Keep trudging.

j. littlejohn said...

"You must vanquish your fear!" Dwight Schrute