Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Done.

I've been pondering relationships again, as I do quite often.

It's just one of those things I need to think of when I'm writing.

Anyway, recently I got around to thinking about it and... I'm not really sure I like what I'm realizing.

Now I wonder if I'm expecting too much. But I'm realizing that it's probably one reason why I tend to be a bit of a hermit.

Why? Because although I find people endlessly fascinating, I sometimes have to reaallly work hard to remind myself of why I like them.

Honestly.

So...

I'm now changing relationships. Backing off from one that I thought would last forever. Kind of looking at another more closely.

And FINALLY terminating my relationship with the church choir. Yes. I did this before, but after giving it almost a year, things have only improved inasmuch they're not delivering their shitty little comments over my phone just yet.

Here's the thing. I'm done. Being nice for the choir leader and staying until after the service, but after that, I'm finished.

And similar to that, I'm done with people telling me I'm over-reacting about things that I'm justified to be angry about.

I'm on a strict diet. So when I choose to break the rules, it's not okay to receive something I didn't order. It's especially not okay for someone to make bitchy comments when I complain while that person is sitting with 90% of my. order. But refusing to switch because the 10% she got was what she liked. 

The contents of my room are things I managed to scrape together over a life-time. Or otherwise they're gifts. It's not okay to just dump them on my oil paintings. or pallets. (Yes. Both happened.) People need to stop acting as if I'm disproportionally angry about it when it's a) not their stuff being ruined and b) not their art being destroyed. And no. Cleaning my room because the maid is too half-assed to pay attention isn't an option. Because if it was, and giving that part of my salary goes to paying her, here's the logic stretched a few milimeters further. Why don't I just stop painting altogether to accomadate madam because she wants to dump stuff on my desk instead of my bed as I requested. Twice. Why don't I stop living in my room so she has less work to clean it. Or why don't I paint marvelous splotches on canvas and leave them in this person's room so the maid can dump her stuff on it?

If someone borrows my car. It's not okay to spill a drink on my carpet. It's also not okay to ignore me the first two times I mention it (as in pretending I said NOTHING) and then accuse me of whining when I mention it again, louder, hoping to get at least a reaction. It's also not okay to park it wrong, causing me to scrape the car (because where else can I steer it when I have 1 cm in either direction) only to have the gate crash into it because I had to pull out slowly in an attempt to minimize the damage. It's not okay to pretend my anger and impatience to be unfounded. It's the first car I had in almost four years. I think I'm entitled to care. Even if, as one friend "kindly" pointed out, it's only an earthly thing.

It's not okay for a church choir to try and make me sing softer while I'm still learning because they (INCORRECTLY and KNOWING it) sing too soft. It's not okay that I am constantly being "corrected" when I'm one of three trained voices in the choir. It's not okay that this happens pretty much to only me. It's also not okay to accuse me of not being committed. I gave it a year. I didn't sign anything saying I have to do it for longer. And no, they didn't win because they finally made me crack. They lost, because their voices can't carry the high notes.

And let me just get this point out once and for all.

I react strongly, because I care. I care about my things. I care about my family. And my friends. I care about the teams I get involved in.

I can't stop caring. I wan't programmed that way.

But just because someone is too blase to care about something doesn't give them the right to judge me for caring or the way in which I do it. In fact. It makes them wrong, because while they all put up with crap and think it's okay, I have a life to live.

And I'm living it to the full.

Strong emotional reactions and all.

I have many more important things to do than to put up with all this petty bullshit that people keep slinging my way. So I just won't.

Anyone else feeling all done with noxious aspects to relationships?

4 comments:

Mike Keyton said...

You've only one life, Misha.

Misha Gericke said...

Agreed there. It's sad how people seem to think that because I'm open and honest about mine, it gives them ownership of it.

Annoys the crap out of me.

Annalisa Crawford said...

It's okay to care about all of those things, Misha. You seem to be surrounded by people who think they are more important then you, and that's not right. We are all equal, and we deserve to be treated that way. I hope your decisions make you happy :-)

mare ball said...

There's a great book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud that you would like. It's all about having healthy relationships, not putting up w/ crap, letting people be miserable, if they want to be, but taking responsibility for your own happiness and making decisions about who to have in your life. I read it about 10 years ago and it changed how i interact with everyone. it's a very liberating book. Just my thoughts. :-)