Monday, August 27, 2012

Mayday mayday

Disclaimer: This is going to be a post about my Christian faith, so if you want to read on, feel free, but if you don't it might be better to head over to my Writing Blog. Thanks for understanding! X

Okay... so I haven't done a real faith related post in some time (April). Which sort of sucks, because it was one of the reasons why I started TCoML. I wanted to have a place to talk about aspects to my journey with God, hopefully with people who could understand, help and even challenge me.

But today, I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to confess something that you might have picked up from some of my posts, but that I've been avoiding in my writing.

You see... I've been struggling with my faith stalling since... well... November last year. I'm not talking about losing my faith in God, which is why I still intermittently did do faith-related posts. No, what I'm talking about is actually more my relationship with Him. At first, I'd thought it was because of my economics test failure, but it wasn't, because I still prayed to Him for guidance during the exam and He helped me do amazingly well. And I still prayed during church. And I still made time for Him for some quality time. I went on working with my church's youth, despite suffering some grave reservations with regards to how it had been handled.

And I guess it's enough for a lot of people. But coming from a place where I was in constant conversation with God, I wasn't a happy camper. Why? Because I'd go to God... and find myself unable to find a single thing to say. And then, He'd be quiet. There, but He'd be quiet. Sometimes He'd ask me to spend more time and tell me He wanted me to do things, and I'd try.

But the urgency was gone. I constantly fought my lethargy until about May this year and then just said to God: "Lord... I can't do this. I want to be near you. I want things to be as they had been, but the last flickers of my faith are being choked and I don't know what's doing it. Help me."

I got the most surprising answer back: "Stop trying. Keep the channels open. I'll be in touch."

And that was that. No pressure. No "do this, do that or else". Just... stop trying. Keep the channels open. I'll be in touch.

Huh? Oh...kay... So I did the one thing most churches I've been to say NEVER to do. I stopped. Not believing, not loving God. But everything else. Basically I took the stalling airplane that was my faith and turned off the engines. No reading the Bible. No prayer time. No smallgroups. No nothing except that I kept going to church because I still had obligations to the youth.

What I did do, though, is kept the channels open. No matter what I did, I kept the channels open. If God wanted to say ANYTHING to me, I was ready to receive it.

But June passed. July passed. And almost three weeks of August passed.

Nothing. There were some moments where we talked, but nothing like what it had been. But He was there. Constantly. His presence constantly pressed against my thoughts. It was a great comfort.

And then, the youth leader left and was replaced. And my brother, cousin, a friend and me decided we'd start a smallgroup for people our age.

There was a flicker of life. And then the engines started turning on their own. That's where they are now. Starting and stuttering, but definitely getting to work. And the best thing is that He's still here with me. The difference being that I'm getting murmurings now. AND I'm praying in instants. Even if it's just to say: wow God, you're so wonderful! And since last Wednesday, these prayers have become more and more frequent.

Needless to say I'm really excited. Because my spirit is coming alive again and I can see it going through the rest of my life as well.

The best thing is that I figured out what stalled my faith in the first place. But that's a post for another day.

Sunday, perhaps?

Have you ever been to a point where it felt as if your faith was being choked out, but you couldn't stop it because you didn't know why? What did you do?


Sandra Tyler said...

You might want to consider joining up with my hop here, maybe with your other blog as well
As to faith, I go through periods when mine is more challenging. I don't write about it, though, I suppose because my head is crowded with other things:)

Peaches Ledwidge said...

I have struggled with my faith too many times. I don't exactly know where I am right now. But I still believe....

anthony stemke said...

If you cannot think of what to say, may I suggest that you simply offer Thanks. Often we are busy asking for this or that; once in awhile a thank you is nice.
Best wishes to you and doorways.

Angie said...

Great post, Misha! Thanks for sharing that.

J.L. Campbell said...

I go through dry periods, when I don't know where I'm coming or going.The good thing is that He is such a constant presence in our lives that we can rely on and know He's there when we reach out to him. Can't offer any thoughts on your situation but it all works out when we let go and let God.

Damyanti said...

We all struggle with our faith.. that is its nature. Each of us handles it in its own way. Wishing you all the best with yours.

mare ball said...

I can so relate. I'm coming out of a dry spell myself. What helps me is to REMEMBER that faith is NOT a feeling. Faith is a choice, a moving forward according to God's word and not how I feel on any given day. When I don't feel God working, I shift to my HEAD and reiterate that I know He is working, He has not changed, He is still with me...I'm just, in the flesh, in a funk. I think life is difficult and it's easy to be distracted by the troubles of this world. Being steadfast means you plug along anyway. It makes you stronger to just move through the dumps. We will not be TRULY joyous and clear until we see God in heaven! Hang in are not alone!

Lynn Proctor said...

oh yeah i hear ya--so glad you are feeling better now--i think we all go through desert times---i would like to share with you someone that i have felt God put in my life recently--someone that is surely uniquely gifted in teaching the bible, especially about grace--joseph prince is his name and i have read a wonderful book by him, called "destined to reign"---God bless you :)