Sunday, October 2, 2011

But... I don't understand.

I really don't.

And even when I know that I'm not supposed to, but somehow I really am struggling.

In fact, my hard-fought peace of mind is now pretty much gone.

With all my heart, I wish my last thought before I went to bed last night occurred to me tomorrow. Really I do.

My concert went very well. So well, in fact, that if the fall was physical, I'd probably be dead.

All because I had this spark fire in my mind that my test scores should be out. The test that I'd written that had gone so smoothly that I was actually optimistic about it.

So optimistic that I skipped right over my score because my mind refused to acknowledge what my eyes had seen.

I failed my test. In fact... I've missed my predicate. Five weeks of studying.

For... diddly squat.

Fortunately, I should get predicate for as long as I get above 50% on this upcoming project, but in the scope of things, I hardly care.

Because the stats are stacked against me.

1) Last year I got a big fat 0% for economics because I'd blanked.
2) This year I spent 5 weeks on three sections.
3) I was supposed to have four weeks for the extra three.
4) Now I have to spend four weeks on SEVEN sections.
5) Not that it matters, because I wrote well, remember? I KNEW everything I wrote about. And I still got half marks on every. single. question. (or the equivalent).

So... the basic inference I can draw from this is that unless I can take telepathy 101 in these coming weeks, I'm pretty much screwed. Because it's not as if I can study more than I've already learnt before.

But you know what's the worst? Year from now, 1st October will never again be the night of my first concert. It will be the night I failed.



Steph Schmidt said...

Have you tried going to the professor and talking about this with them? It sounds like you're doing things right with all that studying. Maybe how you are choosing to phrase answers or only leaving out a small portion on an answer might be where things aren't going where they're suppose to in terms of results.

I'm sorry the news took away from your successful evening *hug*

Joanne said...

Oh Misha, I am so sorry! I wish I had words to comfort you. This is a tough one and I am not going to say I know how you feel. You are hurting and That is all there is for now. When you are feeling a bit better think about your next step and clean that slate. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. you are NOT a failure!
Blessings, Joanne

alberta ross said...

Blow that October 1st will be the night of your concert - over ride the negative - lots of people do exams get degrees - good first concerts wow rare than hen's teeth - we are all a little green with envy at talent such as yours - professors tck tck - sort them out and remember

October 1st Yay Yay Yay

great girl- rock on as they say

J.L. Campbell said...

Sorry to hear that. I know it's no consolation now...but, this too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

I know how it feels to fail at something. It isn't easy. But lately in my life I think: What can I learn from this? I ask this in good times and bad times...if this is any help. I am so sorry, Misha. But keep going. Keep trying. Keep writing!
Ann Best, Author of In the Mirror, A Memoir of Shattered Secrets

SunnyToast said...

I'm sorry to hear this but I guess it has a reason you just need to believe in yourself and go chase your dream:)

And sometimes we have to down in life to realize how good life is;)

Donna Hole said...

I'm so sorry Misha. All I can say is, some people just don't do well for tests. The pressure and all . .

But you did get to have a first concert. Wish I could have heard it :)


Theresa Milstein said...

I hope with distance you can separate the two. I'm proud of you for the concert. That's an achievement.

I've failed tests. It's awful. When I moved to MA, I had to take a teacher test, but they wouldn't let me take the History one and they'd changed the Social Studies to Political Science Political Philosophy. It had little to do with what I'd learned in New York. Few people passed it since it had started and because it was so new, there was no book to study. I had to take it THREE times to pass. At $100 a pop. I'm not used to failing tests. It was humbling.

I wish this wasn't adding to your burden. You have to study more parts than you planned, so I'm sure it feels insurmountable. I'm so sorry.

Hugs to you.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm so sorry you've been struggling at school. My advice (as a former teacher) is that you go and talk to your professors. In my experience as a college the professors who had a personal interest in me were always willing to help me. Reach out to them Misha, it can only help.


Susan Kane said...

All the above have given great advice which you should follow. You are not alone in this dark spot; I and many others have been there, felt the pain of blowing it, and had to move on. you have reached out to us (your blogging friends), and now you must reach out to the professors. God Bless.