There, but for the grace of God, go I...

Although I'm just going to write this post stream-of-conscious-style and I really don't know where it's headed, it's probably going to feature God and Christianity in some way. So if that's not your thing, maybe you'd prefer to visit my writing blog? 

In my country, we have a rampant unemployment problem. I mean really. It's bad. Add to that the fact that pensions and welfare barely covers the cost of survival... and it gives you an idea of the absolute nightmare it is to be on the wrong side of the bread-line. (Especially when minimum wage comes into play, but I'm not going to debate the pros and cons of minimum wage.) 

The thing is that South Africa is generally seen as a place of opportunity. In a sense, it is. The problem is, however, that sometimes, this point of view leads to this idea that if somehow you're struggling, it's all your fault because opportunity is "ripe for the picking." This from the point of view of a lucky few who actually had access to these opportunities. 

And no, I'm not talking about race, either. This thinking goes everywhere. The result is that often, the suffering of the people around us go unnoticed. Of course, this isn't helped by the fact that there are people who cynically try and rip people off a la Thenardier from Les Mis. They do muddle things up way too much, and make people in general so cynical that they look over the people who are suffering. 

But last year, I've come to realize just how easy it is to lose everything due to things completely beyond our control. We lost last year due to a variety of factors - not limited to breaches of various contracts. We lost HUGE. Which is part of the reason why it's taking me six months to come to terms with last year. 

And yet, I feel so fortunate. 

Because we had those resources to lose. More than that, we're still in a state where we can bounce back.

A lot of people in my country would starve if a few elderly people didn't get their monthly state pensions to $120 per month. (Actually less, depending on the exchange rate.) 

There aren't enough jobs for the untrained. There aren't jobs for the school leavers. There aren't enough resources for most people to bounce back after a bad year. 

And that worries me. Because I've seen how fast and how far I fell this year alone. I've had a mere taste of the misery that cause, and I know that people are experiencing year after year of this. 

Last year truly has opened my eyes to the suffering of others, because I could so easily have ended up in the same place, if not for God's grace. 

The problem is...I don't know how to help anyone else. 

Not yet, anyway. I'm working on it.

New Feature: A Prayer List

So I was thinking... There are so many people in need of prayers, so I decided to make a prayer list available. All you need to do is add a comment to  the prayer list page, and if you have time, please take a minute to shoot up a prayer for the person(s) who commented before you.

It's a simple concept, I know, but I think it can change the world. 

I hope you'd like to join in! 

A Week of Prayer

Hi all!

Today, I have something weighing on my heart. Still, I'm a little scared, since I'm worried that this will fall flat.

Still, I believe that God puts things in my heart when He wants me to do them, so I'm taking a leap of faith.

I'm making this week a Week of Prayer, and I invite you to join.

Today, I want you to look at your life and decide what you need a prayer for. This can be anything, one thing or ten. From needing a blessing, to your children, to you going through a tough time.

Then, from today to Wednesday, I'll have a linky list open. Write a post about what you need prayers for and link directly to that post. That way, it'll be easy for your prayer-buddy to find your prayer needs.

After midnight GMT on Thursday, go to the link left by the person directly above you. If you're number 1, go to the last name on the list. That person is your prayer buddy for the week.

Pray for your buddy until Friday. Someone else should be praying for you too.

Finally, on Friday, I'd like to read about your experiences. Was there some sort of break-through on those things you needed prayers for? How did you feel, praying for someone else? Any other things you learnt this week?

That's pretty much it. Simple in theory, but who knows. Maybe this will make quite a big difference to quite a few lives. Now I leave it to you, if you want to join.

Tests and Blessings

Hey all! Before I start with today's post, I just want to let you know that I'm almost done with editing my Berlin pictures, so I should have them posted by Friday.

Also, I just want to state out of respect for my non-believing readers that this will be a faith centered post.

A conversation I had with a Christian lady in an Italian restaurant in Berlin (go figure) actually put my thoughts onto this topic.

For some reason, conversation had just turned to God and obedience to him. She said that she sometimes struggles with being obedient, especially when God seems to be rather obscure or even difficult in what He wants her to do.

And you know, I think she's far from being the only one. Hell, I think every man and woman of God in the history of mankind struggled with this. I mean, just off the top of my head, I think of Abraham and Job. Or even Noah.

Abraham, after receiving his promised child late in his life, was told by God to go sacrifice him. Job was a famous man of God who fell from the highest heights of God's blessing his life to nothing. He was put through test after test with no end in sight.

Noah was told to build a ship. Easy, right? Nope. From what I understand, no one in his time even knew what rain was. And he was building a ship in the middle of nowhere because God told him to.

So yeah... those examples always makes me feel a bit humbled. God tends to be a lot less extreme in what he wants me to do. (I.E. Writing this post, for example, but that's another story.)

Anyway. The answer I had for the lady must have come straight from God, so I want to share it with you too.

Tests make blessings possible.

If Abraham had put Isaac his son before God's will, God would never have made Abraham the father of a nation. 

The moment Job broke through the doubts and self-pity prevailing because of being tested, and prayed for other people's blessings instead, an amazing thing happened. Not only did the tests stop, but God blessed him even more than he had been blessed to start with. 

And Noah... I doubt he could swim for the duration of the flood and the time until the water dried away again. So because of his obedience, he saved not only himself, but his family as well. 

I know that sometimes we have NO idea why God lets difficult/terrible things happen to us. Or why He wants us to do something random or obscure or weird. But He ALWAYS has a reason. 

And more often than not, these tests are a chance for Him to bless you and/or those you love. 

Have you ever thought back to a difficult time in your life that you came through, and saw the blessings that came from that time? You'd be surprised, I think. 

Anyone want to share a testimony? Or facing a difficult test and needing a prayer from your brothers and sisters in God? 

Stretch and release

I decided to finish up with NaNoWriMo, this time with another story. Still, I'm taking things slower and not pushing myself so hard. 

It's just not always so good for me. 

Yes, there's a commitment to getting things like writing done, but I just can't see how it's good to push myself too hard. 

I mean, there is a definite advantage to pushing limits. We learn a lot about ourselves by doing it. But once you cross the limit of what you're capable of, it's not wise to go too far too fast. 

Why? Well... I think about it the same way as I think about stretching my muscles. Stretching is good. Really good. It works best by stretching a little further every time you stretch, but not beyond that point. 

If I stretch too much too soon, I'm actually damaging the muscles I'm trying to strengthen. 

It's the same with life. It's not good to go through life without testing yourself and stretching your abilities. At the same time, it's not good to go too far too fast, because you might actually do more harm than good. 

That's what I seem to be doing now. I've been stretching myself out for a while, now it's time for a rest. So I'm pulling back from every non-essential activity I'm involved with. 

I'm quitting choir singing because it's not good for my voice. Also, it puts too much of a strain on my patience .

I'm backing away from involvement in church activities because it's stretching me and my faith too fast and too hard. This was of course, done with a lot of prayer, but God seems to be with me on this one. So I'm going to try and focus on learning more again. 

I'm not buying more orchids until I'm absolutely positive that the ones I have are doing well. 

I stretched my writing skills and determination and wrote a draft manuscript in 16 days. Now I know I can do it, but it makes me tired. Still, I'm continuing to write, but in a sense, as a warm-down to my intense stretching session. 

Luckily December will give me a break from all of my stretching activities. Then I get to do the exercise again and stretch in wonderfully novel ways. 

Do you also make a point of stretching in your life? Do you make sure you don't go too far too fast? What have you been up to, lately? 

Stepping back and being happy.

Hi all! I'm back from editing again. I'll take another day before dropping by and commenting, but in the meantime, I thought the blog needed some love. 

It's really amazing how easily discontent inches into our lives and takes it over. Sad thing is, often the very things you were excited about when you started them make you unhappy now.

Maybe the better word is unhappier. 

I'm still a happy person, but lately I've been having to work harder and harder to stay that way. It's not the way I want to live my life. 

Still, I felt like the things I'd volunteered for had become responsibilities. They became chores. Worse, they became tiresome chores. 

For me, 90% of my church activities are that way. Despite my initial optimism about the new youth pastor, things are returning to more of the same. Same with the choir. I quit it a year ago, but people begged me to return, saying things will change. It didn't. 

I've tried to change. I tried to look to myself and try to fix things through the way I react. But I can't stop the church choir sopranos from bitching and griping about me without becoming a worse singer I can. I can't do anything about the youth pastor NOT EVEN RESPONDING to submissions and suggestions I made. If people listen, I can't make them HEAR. I can't make the band leader realize that two griping teenage girls with maybe an eight note range between them doesn't make it a good idea to push me (plus superior skill, training and range) out of the band. 

I volunteered because they couldn't lead the youth in praise. I volunteered for youth because at the time, God wanted me to. I volunteered for choir because I love singing and because young voices lift the sound up. 

But if no one wants me there, why should I continue to put in hours on hours of unpaid time to no effect?  Seems I'm doing no one a favor. Not even myself. 

All I'm doing is tiring myself out without seeing any fruits of my labors. And damn it. Although I don't expect it, getting ONE freaking thank you would have been lovely. Then I would have known I at least helped. But need it or not, I've been wasting my time on people who don't want it. 

That is going to stop. I already quit the choir. Staying until the end of the year to help out the choir master (who does want me there). I'm quitting the youth tomorrow morning as soon as I've spoken to my friends in the leadership. 

Then I'm going to regroup and go back to moving between churches, learning what I can and just building my faith. 

This probably won't be forever, but right now, I need to rest. Then I'll look at it again. 

But I am NOT wasting my time a single second more. 

I. Am. Done. 

And you know what? I haven't felt this free or happy in ages.

Have you ever quit things you volunteered for because they made you unhappy?

Why my faith choked out.

This post is long overdue, but every time I picked a date for it, I was unable to post on that day. So here it is.

As I mentioned before, I had been struggling to keep my faith alive for months until recently and it took a revival in my spiritual life for me to figure out why.

And the reason is frighteningly simple.

James 2:26 (King James Version): "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."

So... yes... works is necessary. Not to get into heaven, but simply to keep your faith alive and thriving.

Does that mean that I could have saved my faith months ago by giving money to beggars in the street? ... Not necessarily. Because I haven't been called to give money to beggars in the streets.

I've been called to help the kids in my church's youth. To help the "newly" converted find their feet. To use my voice to praise Him.

In the past year, I for all intents and purposes was blocked in every way I tried to do the two former works I'd been called to do. And the latter... well, made me feel hollow. Because it's a bit hard to focus on praising when there's always someone trying to pull me down whenever I refuse to conform to their standards.

So yeah... I spent a year basically unable to do what I was meant to do and that knocked my faith down. Badly.

That changed a few weeks ago when a new youth pastor arrived. Although I'm sensing resistance yet again, I now see it coming, so I'm going to fight it with everything I have. And if that fails, I'll go around. But what I won't do is lay back down, because it's so not worth the aggravation caused by choking faith.

The fact is, my faith coming alive changed my life again, because I got the opportunity to serve under one of the three choir women most intent on bringing me down, and because I did it in a nice way, a peace seems to have been declared. So now I'm actually enjoying the choir again.

And I joined the Youth Band.

And I'm more actively involved in helping the youth.

My faith is thriving.

Does your faith have purpose? When you're young in the faith, your purpose is to learn as much as you can. After that, you'll probably discovered what you've been called to do.     Is something keeping you from doing it? Are you/your doubts holding you back? Is there something you can do about it? Pray? Change your outlook? Move through your doubt?

I hope this gives you some help and answers, and if you want/need some prayers, please feel free to let me know.

Have a blessed weekend!

Pentecost

Credit

Today is the first day of Pentecost, or the commemoration of the days after Jesus's ascension when the Holy Spirit was sent down as a guide for God's children.

It's really a wonderful gift, I think. A huge privilege to have the Spirit of God residing in us and guiding us in our lives.

For me it has special meaning, since when God is guiding me in taking charge of my life, it's usually the Holy Spirit doing the talking. So yeah. Pentecost is truly special to me.

Pentecost is a time of being more aware of God's working in our lives so if you're a believer, whenever you have a bit of time, take some time to focus on Him and what He has to say.

That's what I'm concentrating on this week.

Does your church have Pentecost services all week long? Will you be going? Are you doing something special for Pentecost?

Prayer

So as I mentioned a few Sunday's ago, I took part in a 21 day prayer challenge and it really did help me with my life, although probably not in the way that the guy on the DVD that my church is watching thought.

Anyway.

It also really got me thinking about prayer a lot. Which I guess is good, because there's a tiny gap between thinking about prayer and praying. For me at least, anyway.

See, most of the people in the church that I go to think about prayer differently to me, I think. And none of us are wrong.

Credit

It's just that their way of praying doesn't... really... uhm... work for me. Sorry, it's just that I don't really know how to put this in words.

The way I understand their prayer experience, they take a time, close their eyes and pray. According to a recipe. First, thank God. Then praise Him and His glory. Then ask Him for things we need. Then remember to ask in Jesus's name because we alone aren't deserving. Amen.

And like I said, there's nothing wrong with that sort of prayer. I also pray like that. There are times when prayers like the above are needed. Like I need to pray for an audience.

But the thing is... If I pray like that, I forget more than I remember. Have you ever tried to write up a prayer list for things and people to pray for? I have. And the list grows and grows and grows to a size that I can't handle.

That's not the real issue for me, though. My real issue is this: If that's the only way I pray, where am I giving God space to talk to me. That's not a conversation. It's a monologue. And to me, it's MUCH more important to hear what God wants to tell me than for me to tell Him things.

So yeah. When I'm not praying in public, I'm... pretty much praying all day. Even when there's a lull, I'm always aware of the fact that God might want to say something any moment now. And if something jumps out at me, I'll just... say it to God. Like: "Wow Father, you made a wonderful sunrise this morning." Or the like. And when I see something that needs a prayer, I take it to God. So yeah, when I say in comments that I'm praying for you, I in fact already sent up my first prayer. And I'll keep sending up prayers every time I think of you.

I guess some people might think that I'm way too informal in my relationship with God, but it works for me. When I'm not praying like that, I lose touch with Him, and that's something I never want.

So how do you think about prayer? Anything you want me to pray for you about?

21 Days

This is not an A to Z Challenge post. :-) 

It is, however, a post about something in my life that is very important to me. Prayer. 

I believe that God wants to give us what we need. That much I know. Still, there's more to prayer than asking for things. It's about building a relationship with God. 

In other words, it's about talking AND listening. 

Still, I admit that I've come to struggle with prayer. Not out of lack of faith or lack of things to pray for. 

Instead, my problem is a lack of time. I'm literally waking up hours before the sun just so that I can both write and keep my family happy and work. At night, I write or edit some more, if there's not some activity that requires attention. 

This isn't an excuse I've been making. It's just the truth. But when I did the J-post, I started realizing that my priorities have gotten a bit out of order. GOD first. Then everything else. 

So my problem wasn't lack of time. It was with making time. 

Which is why the service I attended tonight really got me interested. It's called the 21 Day Challenge. The goal: making a date with God every day for twenty one days. So picking a time to devote to Him. And a place where I can give him my undivided attention. I know that my place will be outside, because I no longer have a room of my own or a place in my house where I can just be quiet. Then I need to pick something to pray about for 21 days. One thing. 

So I decided to start taking daily walks. Some of the best times I had with God was while I was in motion, so I'm hoping that it will be like that again. I'm thinking to devote thirty to sixty minutes after work, because my mornings and nights are crazy. And I decided to pray about God's promise for my life and future. 

I'm thinking once this challenge is done, I'll start another one and pray for something else. 

So starting tomorrow, I'll be taking walks with God. 

Will you like to join me in the challenge? Where will you go? What will you be praying for? 

A to Z Challenge: God

Hi all! Before I start with today's post, I would like to point out that, if you looked at today's heading and thought it would be dealing with faith, you're completely correct.

I would also like to state that while I love God, build my life around what He wants, and thinks it's a great idea that everyone else does as well, I have a deep respect for all people regardless of their beliefs. (Or disbelief, for that matter.)

Because of that, I ask that you please respect me and my faith in return. I don't mind answering questions about my faith as long as it is done in a respectful way. Personal attacks and insults will be deleted.

Photo by Irina Patrascu

Today's post was a little difficult for me to write, because I'm worried that a lot of people (people that I adore), will be insulted by it or think differently about me.

But the fact is, I can't pray to God on the one hand and then try to hide Him with the other. So here goes.

The reason why I am bringing up God as a topic in the A to Z's of taking charge of my life is because He is so vitally important to the process.

He is my compass.

He is my advisor.

He is my (sometimes sole) companion.

He is my source of strength.

Nothing that I do in the process of taking charge of my life works if I'm trying to do it without Him. With Him, on the other hand, things are so much easier.

See... God has a plan. Not just for me. But for everyone. I just have a role to play in it. And He really wants me to. I believe that that's why we get our dreams and our drives to achieve them. God gave them to us for a reason.

Still, there's a difference between us and God when it comes to our lives. We see what's in front of us. God sees the big picture. That's why it's so vital to go to God for the smallest things, because in the long run, everything means something in the road that is your life. He knows where we're supposed to go. And He's waiting for us to navigate us on our way. Because many blessings await us on the right way.

Many of us try to grab the steering wheel of our lives, because lets face it, feeling even a little out of control is really scary. But the risks are huge. One wrong turn and we can do incredible damage to ourselves.

It's just not worth it. Trust me. I know.

So if you are serious about taking charge of your life, take it to God first. After all. Your life belongs to Him first.

Do you take everything to God? Sometimes I struggle with it, because my problems sometimes feel so insignificant... Any stories on how He helped and/blessed you in your every day life?

Answered

It's something that I've said so many times before, but wow, you guys are awesome.

I mean, I had some problems for months and within a day of putting a post about it up onto this blog. I got a variety of perspectives and some great suggestions. 

I did take the time to get in touch with my feelings and thoughts. I also settled down to listen to what God had to say. 

And with the help of a good friend and my family, I now know that I'm supposed to stay where I am until further notice. Also, that it isn't about the people making me unhappy. It's about the kids that I'm supposed to be there for. 

It's about doing what God needs me to do. 

So for the first time in months, I'm really starting to feel at a true peace again. Just hoping that it stays that way. 

Anyone else find that blogging buddies make for excellent advisers? 

Another difficult question.

Sorry about missing Monday's post yet again. I thought I'd put one up after I came back from my choir practice. *snort* Yeah. Right. I dragged my exhausted body straight to bed and slept for ten hours before I remembered my good intentions.

But... before I have another three hours lost because I overestimated my energy levels, I shall ask another thorny question.

When does one move on?

I'm not talking about death or break-ups. I'm talking about life in general.

If there's one word that sums up how I've lived my life thus far, nomadic would be it. I went to five primary schools. Three high schools. We've moved house about fifteen times. And if I've spent more than two years in one place, I'd burn.

My skin would start crawling and I would feel the air being choked out of me. And for some reason, we've always managed to move just as the situation got to be at its worst.

I never looked back. Still don't.

Then came University. I changed courses half-way through my second year, so instead of three, I spent four years in the campus town. By the third term of year three, I wanted out. OK, it was more than just my nomadic tendencies talking, but they certainly did make themselves heard. I even signed up for combat duty in the navy in a desperate attempt to escape. Got reaaaaally close to getting accepted, but then someone lost my medical exam and I was asked to reapply the following year.

I did. And some racist recruitment officers "lost" my application. So I applied to go air stewardessing. No go. Despite the fact that I was fit, and spoke four languages. Hmm.

At some point, God and I had some heart to hearts and He made me realize that I couldn't run away every time something got difficult. Especially when those challenges are to teach me how to become who I'm supposed to be.

So I stuck out my degree. And I got more involved in my local church than I've ever been.

And I dove into following my dream.

And for a long time everything went well.

Except... now it isn't. I'm not happy. Although I love singing and praising God and doing His work, something's not right. Not because something is being a challenge, but rather because it isn't.

Things are stalling.

My services are offered and promptly disregarded or underutilized. I make sacrifices and only get aggravation back - except I hardly care any more. A year's worth of Fridays seem to have gone wasted. As did my emotional involvement.

Fact is, I'm working harder to keep my emotional bond to my church and community than I am to form relationships.

And now I'm starting to wonder. Is God, after a year of telling me to stay put, telling me it's time to go? Or is He going to push me a little further? Because I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm alone. And feeling lost. And feeling a painter without brushes and paint.

Do I sit still and wait? Or do I go back to my old roaming ways? Because one thing can be said: My faith was a lot stronger when I wasn't committed to a single church. I learnt a lot more. Because I could go to places that were the right depth for me.

Now I'm a fish floundering on drying sand.

On the move again

Ah... finally. I can say that my life is getting back on track again.

On Sunday, we had our first Youth Leader meeting at our church. We got a lot better response than I thought from people who want to jump in and help make the Youth activities awesome. That makes me feel great.

It's wonderful to know that God is willing to bless our attempts to do our best for Him.

Furthermore, I'm starting to get more active again and dancing and hopefully soon, I'll be able to get back to singing classes again. Once that's on, I can really stop feeling like I'm stuck in a rut.

On the contrary, it feels like things are ready to happen. Like the clouds of God's blessings are gathering, and that they will start raining down soon.

Anyone else share that feeling?

Looking at 2011

Since this is the last Friday of 2011, I thought today would be fitting for me to look at my recap of the year. 

All in all, I think it went well. Even though I didn't get to all my New Year's guidelines, I thought I could take stop by copy pasting that portion of my very first TCoML post. My comments are in red. 



I want to finish my first rewrite of Doorways by the end of April or the middle of May. 
Done. On 25 April.

I want to do this while working. 
I did that. 

Good to know I at least managed my first two guidelines. I usually don't get that far. 

I want to be back to fluency in French. 
Cough cough. Not yet. Really should start working on that. 

Cough cough HACK cough. 

I want to revise and study Mandarin. 
Same here. Picking up French will be much easier. 

Hack hack cough cough. 

I want to speak Italian at at least a moderate level by next January. 
Probably should start this first, as I don't speak any Italian. At all. 

Uhm... yeah... seems 2011 was a linguistically challenged one. 

I want to have written at least half of Guardian by December, but this is of lower Priority, since...
Good goal, this. I just need to find the character again. And her voice. And her story. I haven't touched Guardian since January.

Never did get to this, but I did finish another book and do half of a third, so I'm not too fussed. Thankfully, only the rewrite to the former was lost permanently. 

I want to start querying Doorways by next year. 

I'm planning to start edits in May, which might make writing Guardian a bit more difficult. 

Optimism. Sheer optimism. 

I want to get back to stabbing people for fun. (For those of you that don't know. I'm not completely psycho. I fence.)
Really still want to do this. But this time slot was taken up by singing. Singing might become something serious, like... a ticket to the stage. 

And so it was. 

I want to be back on my healthy lifestyle by the beginning of February. 
Failed miserably at this. Only getting to it now. 

I did get the hang of it around October. 

I want to stay on that lifestyle indefinitely. Or at least until December. ;-P
Let's get to the lifestyle first. 

It lasted until Christmas. Hey! I'm new to the lifestyle thing. 

I want to finish my degree and get completely out of the previous phase of my life, since this year will pretty much be spent in limbo. 
Amen.

And Hallelujah!

I want to make a stronger commitment to God. 
Amen.

I do think my commitment is stronger, even if it was a lot harder work than before. Maybe God made my life a little more complicated so that I could cling to Him more. 

I might or might not want to read the complete works of Shakespeare... 
I might want to start reading again. Period. 

And I did, but still no Shakespeare. 

It's interesting to look at my goals like this, because it does pretty well to show what I achieved in 2011. Maybe it was a small portion of what I wanted to do, but what I did achieve was important to where my life is headed. The time of those things that I didn't succeed in was spent on other very important events. Such as my singing, so I won't complain. 

I'm going to do next year's goals on MFB, so if you're interested, please go check it out and let me know what you think. 

Now, let me just say: Thank you one and all for coming to TCoML and supporting me on this my first year of the rest of my life. I truly appreciated your love, advice, sympathy and support through the best and worst times of the year. I pray that God will bless every single one of you and that you will find as much meaning in 2012 as I did in this year. 

Stay safe and I'll see you in the New Year! 

When the enemy attacks...

Some days are just rough.

Truth be told, it's probably my own fault. All day long I've been feeling this urging to read the Bible and to just be quiet with God.

But in the end, my mind just wouldn't stay still and by lunch, I stopped trying. Went to church, was great.

The moment I left the building, it was as if there was a firing squad arranged in front of me, waiting for the command to shoot. By the time I was in my car, despair washed over me. Doubts rose to my neck.

By the time I was home, my outlook was bleak, which prompted me to say something stupid about an inane comment my mom made.

Which led to a fight, which led to me feeling any worse, because I've practically been told that I over-react all the time (uhm... no), that I go out to make people angry (really? is that my other hobby when I'm not drowning babies?) and worst of all, the more I deny it, and get angry, the more these apparent weaknesses are rubbed in my nose, because aren't I over-reacting to what she said?

Seconds later I'm stewing in my own juices, because what's the point of externalizing my feelings when it will add another weakness to my list? And the moment I stew, it becomes a problem, because the fact is that I start wondering.

About myself... Am I really that bad? If I don't deny it to myself immediately, it starts a slippery decline down an incline I'm still climbing. See I used to be very cynical, and made things out to be much worse than they were. I used to alienate people by being angry and making people angry. But those days are over. Washed away by God's love and the passage of five years. But if I open myself up...

Fortunately, God gave me a chance to sit back and think. And see. This isn't me and my mother. This is me and Him and the enemy fighting to tear me down. I suddenly see it all....

1) Germinate the seeds of doubt...
2) Divide and conquer.
3) Plant more seeds.
4) Hit the poor idiot who briefly dropped her defenses with everything you have.
5) And then some. Including ALL of the old weaknesses that the fool thought she dealt with.
6) Rinse and repeat.
7) Hope she won't catch on too quick.

So... here I am. Feeling a little stupid that I fell for it YET AGAIN and really wishing that I managed to grind my teeth and shut up before reacting.

Recognize any of the above in your life? Don't let it go on too long. Fight it. Pray about it. Forgive (As impossible as that feels). Love (As more impossible as that feels). Don't be scared to take the enemy on on the Authority that God gave you as His child. And keep doing whatever it is you're doing, because the enemy only tries to nail you when you're doing something good. It's why he does it.

God bless.

Excuse me while I go evil bashing. Good night!

New Challenge!

Hello all!

Not much news today. Just came back from hanging out with the church youth, which was a lot of fun. It's great to get to know everyone a bit better. :-)

The youth leader gave us a challenge today, but one I've been doing almost every day. He wants us to read the entire Book of John by the end of November. So 21 chapters in 30 days.

At this stage I'm reading a chapter out of Genesis and Mark every day, as I want to get through both testaments as soon as possible. However, his challenge brought something home to me that I think that God has been trying to tell me for months now.

See, I need to cover a lot of ground in the Bible, but in doing so, I'm focusing on speed. Basically, Tian (the youth leader) told us to keep a journal of what we read.

I've done this before, and it was very fulfilling, but for some reason I fell out of it again.

This was the reminder that I have to stop promising tomorrow tomorrow and start doing it.

To be honest, I am so grateful for this challenge, as it gives me exactly the incentive I need to focus on my alone time with God. This can only be a wonderful thing.

What about you? Do you believe in God? (I still love you if you don't.) If yes, do you write down what you've read, or anything that you've experienced as God's child?

Also, since I'll be making a point of writing about it, would anyone be interested in reading some of my week's journal?

A necessary reminder.

I had such a wonderful day yesterday. I didn't go anywhere special, just to a restaurant franchise for coffee with a thirteen year old girl.

But wow. The few hours we spent together benefited us both.

Remember I told you that I volunteered to help with the church youth? Well, she's one of the new leaders.

A few weeks ago, I took the leaders to the same place as the above to get to know them, because everyone is still new to each other. There, I got a bit of a scary eye-opener.

This girl was giving her testimony about how she was helping a girl at her school after "God spoke to her for the first time in her life."

When she said those words, something went screeching in my head. I mean, to be strong Christians, strong enough to lead people in a Christian organization, there has to be more to their faith than just reading the Bible every day or doing good deeds. It's about a relationship.

And for there to be a relationship, listening has to go both ways. I explained this to them and the girl came to me this past Friday saying that she's dying to have a closer relationship with God and asked me to help her.

So we spent about two hours just talking about it and an hour where I explained to her what to do to hear God and left her to it. And it worked. This girl is so passionate about God, about doing His work in helping others and about finding ways to become closer to him.

It really opened my eyes to the fact that I sometimes take it for granted. I can barely remember a time where I didn't have God as an active part of my life and where I haven't been in a real relationship with him where the talking went both ways.

Sometimes I forget how amazing it is. It took me spending an afternoon with a girl ten years younger than me to remember.

What about you? Do you have a close relationship with God? What reminds you of its absolute wonder?

Perspective.

So... yesterday was the Day of Ascension, so I had to go sing with the rest of the church choir as yesterday was the start of our Pentecostal services.

Now I might not have mentioned this before, but... well... the choir consists mainly of females. And some of those women are... uhm... a challenge to the "love thy neighbor" commandment.

Really.

They're so bad in fact, that one of the younger members actually left, because she overheard some of them gossiping about her AFTER PRACTICE.

I'm not happy. In fact, I rewrote this post because it was a bit... too angry for the topic.

I'm hurt for the sake of the girl that left because of their malice. More, I'm frustrated because this is coming from a CHURCH CHOIR, for heaven's sake.

Fact is that this choir suffers from a severe lack of perspective.

So severe in fact that they seem to think that they're rock-stars and divas because they *cough* in the public eye.

Our main purpose, our reason for function is to SERVE in the public eye. Not only that, but we SERVE GOD in the public eye. So who gives them the right to criticize someone for singing more loudly than them? Or for daring not to be insulted by the descant section who insists on forming a little exclusive club of three. In fact... why should cliques form in the first place?

That isn't serving God. That's serving themselves.

And it's complete and utter nonsense.

So what's there for me to do? Part of me wants to go on fulfilling my purpose in the choir. Another part is just waiting for them to come gunning for me. Because who is going to change how they act if no-one does something to start the change?

I know that wrong is a strong word. I hate using it, personally. But then, self-idolatry in the supposed service of God isn't exactly a small thing.

At the same time, I'm supposed to not judge them while I've been judged and apparently been found wanting. I'm supposed to go on loving them when they're disregarding everything they should stand for a Christians.

So where do the limits lie? Have you ever gotten into a situation like this? How did you deal with it?