Friendships

My cousin came to visit this past weekend and it just got me thinking about friendships in my life. If that seems like an interesting leap to make, I should explain that my cousin is also my oldest friends. We grew up together. Often in the same house.

Which is probably what got me thinking. I only see her once every year or so nowadays, because we live very far apart, but I still feel closer to her than any of my other friends. In fact, she's more like my little sister than my cousin.

Anyway. I got around to thinking... I've got a lot of people who I'm really friendly with. Friendly enough that people would think that we're friends. And I guess we are.

It's just that there are parts of me in the dark corners of my soul that I don't share with just anyone. Those parts of me, I share with only my closest friends.

Of those, I probably have about four. Maybe five.

But that's okay. Because I'm absolutely devoted to them.

So what about you? Do you make many friends? Or do you also only have a selected few?

Starting Again

I think this might be the week of starting again.

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Recently, certain aspects of my life has fallen by the way-side for a variety of reasons. And yeah... I feel terrible about the fact.

No one likes to fail at something they wanted to do, something they know is a good thing to get done. And yet... it never happens.

For me... it's my health. I want to exercise more. I know that it's good to exercise. In fact, I love exercising. But... for some reason, I haven't been able to consistently stick to an exercise regime in almost three years. Which sucks.

But yeah... nothing worthwhile is easy.

So I'm thinking of what I can do to ensure that I do in fact stick to my regime. I can (and probably will) start jogging again, but that's pretty much doomed to fail, since winter is a rainy season where I live. So I need to find something that I can do indoors.

Maybe I should just wait until we've moved into our new house, since it has a gym... Hm.

Anyone have any suggestions about what can I do until August?

Energy

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You will recognize your own path when you come upon it because you will suddenly have all the energy and imagination you will ever need.
- Sara Teasdale

When I saw this quote, I thought that I'd have to write a post about it. It fits my blog like a hand fits a glove. Why? 

Well, the moment I saw it, I thought of my own life experience thus far. 

Back when I'd still been locked into a life course that I'd let other people push me to, everything I did sucked energy right out of me.

It got to the point where it took me more energy just too start doing something that it did to actually do it. Yeah... not the best way to live life. 

Once I started taking charge of my life and doing the things I love, I found that I had so much more energy. It was as if these things that brought me closer to my dreams created the energy I needed to get through my day. 

Nowadays, I try to do as many of those things as possible, because not only do they bring me in line with what I want from my life, but it they make it so much easier for me to live it. 

What do you do that gives you such a burst of energy that you know that it's what you're supposed to do?

More about you.

I like to know about the people who read my blog. It's just one of my quirks. I find people really interesting. So, every now and then, instead of being all me-me-me, I post about you. Since I find that bloggers are always in a hurry, I'll limit it to three questions today. You can answer all, some or none of them. Your choice. I'd just like to learn more about who you are. 

Today's questions: 

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1) What did you do today?

2) What did you do recently that stood out as being interesting? 

3) What would you like to do in the near future? 

My Reasons for Blogging

I've been thinking about blogging over the past few days, after reading a post by a blogging friend who asked why her readers blog.

So why do I blog?

I originally started almost two years ago after I read that agents and publishers are more willing to look at manuscripts by authors who have platforms.

Soon, though, I realized that blogging is so much more than that. It helps me share my thoughts and feelings with many people, some of whom actually know what I'm trying to talk about.

It's a place where people support and help each other, especially in things that make most people that I know think that I'm stupid and/or insane.

It's nice to be heard.

But another reason why I blog? Well... it keeps me honest. It gives me a reason to explore my thoughts and feelings about sometimes difficult topics. Then, it gives me the motivation I need to act on those revelations that I wrote down.

None of that would have been possible if it wasn't for you, blog reader. Friend.

Thank you.

Why do you blog?

Pentecost

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Today is the first day of Pentecost, or the commemoration of the days after Jesus's ascension when the Holy Spirit was sent down as a guide for God's children.

It's really a wonderful gift, I think. A huge privilege to have the Spirit of God residing in us and guiding us in our lives.

For me it has special meaning, since when God is guiding me in taking charge of my life, it's usually the Holy Spirit doing the talking. So yeah. Pentecost is truly special to me.

Pentecost is a time of being more aware of God's working in our lives so if you're a believer, whenever you have a bit of time, take some time to focus on Him and what He has to say.

That's what I'm concentrating on this week.

Does your church have Pentecost services all week long? Will you be going? Are you doing something special for Pentecost?

Frustration

I've been feeling the burn of frustration recently, and to a great extent, I still do.

As I've mentioned before, taking charge of our lives often involves juggling our dreams with our present lives, because we can't always just give up what we are doing now just to chase after our futures.

No, that would be irresponsible and stupid.

I know that.

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Yet, I am in this space where it feels as if every moment spent doing what I need to do is taking time away from doing what I want to do.

And.... I'm not wrong, but I guess that's part of me growing up. I can't just focus on my dreams 24/7. I need to concentrate on work too.

But it doesn't mean that I have to give up on what I want. It just means that I have to work harder and more efficiently to make sure that I do what I need to do to bring my dreams this much more closer to coming true.

It means that I cut out things that waste my time. This does not mean that I'm taking myself away from any and all fun activities. But, if it doesn't make me happy and give me a measure of fun, it's not worth my time.

So hours of channel hopping looking for something to watch: out. Going to the cinema: In. Dancing when it's frustrating me more than anything else: out. Guitar lessons and singing: In. Singing for the church choir: .... I'm still deciding on that one.

But right now, I'm pretty pleased, because I took charge of my life and am back to achieving things again.

So... are you frustrated with your life? Are there any changes that you can make to make it better?

Stretching

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Last Friday while I was doing my singing classes, we spent the better part of the afternoon doing some advanced techniques and stretching my voice as far as it could safely go.

It was hard work. I made a lot of mistakes. My voice threw tantrums because I was pushing it out of its comfort zone. But I loved it. Absolutely loved it.

Because pushing myself reveals things that I never knew. Like the fact that yes, I do have the high D in my voice after all. I never knew, because I never tried to sing that high before.

And that's what I like about living my life that way I do. If I get frustrated, I can stretch myself and try something new. In doing that, I can learn something new about who I am.

As a result, I know that I can overcome my fear of water and enjoy rowing. Or that I really do have a second wind when it comes to running.

Or that I can really do a major revision to my ms in a single day because I needed to.

All of these things, I never would have known if I haven't tried.

Of course, that does not mean I have to like doing all of them. Like with my rowing. I stopped, because I wasn't proficient enough at it to enjoy it all the time and the instructors weren't doing what they were supposed to to make sure I reached that level.

But I know that now because I tried it first. I stretched myself and pushed my boundaries.

I will continue to do that, because I think more than doing any specific thing, it's the learning that comes from stretching that truly makes me feel happy/satisfied with my life.

How have you stretched yourself lately?

I don't feel like dancing

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No, I don't mean that in a figurative sense. I just decided to stop taking ballroom recently.

I still love it and will probably get a craving to dance again soon. But at this stage I'm just a little frustrated with it.

If there's no one on my level to dance with, I can't really practice what I've learnt. And since I have to then effectively pay money to show other people how to dance, I don't see why that would be worthwhile.

Especially now when I have less time than ever to work on my manuscript.

It just didn't add up for me.

And while the decision made me sad, it just didn't feel the same depth of feeling as thinking about not going to singing class.

So... yeah... I'm now no longer dancing. At least not until I can find classed that can offer me what I need.

What's news at your end of the world?

Prayer

So as I mentioned a few Sunday's ago, I took part in a 21 day prayer challenge and it really did help me with my life, although probably not in the way that the guy on the DVD that my church is watching thought.

Anyway.

It also really got me thinking about prayer a lot. Which I guess is good, because there's a tiny gap between thinking about prayer and praying. For me at least, anyway.

See, most of the people in the church that I go to think about prayer differently to me, I think. And none of us are wrong.

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It's just that their way of praying doesn't... really... uhm... work for me. Sorry, it's just that I don't really know how to put this in words.

The way I understand their prayer experience, they take a time, close their eyes and pray. According to a recipe. First, thank God. Then praise Him and His glory. Then ask Him for things we need. Then remember to ask in Jesus's name because we alone aren't deserving. Amen.

And like I said, there's nothing wrong with that sort of prayer. I also pray like that. There are times when prayers like the above are needed. Like I need to pray for an audience.

But the thing is... If I pray like that, I forget more than I remember. Have you ever tried to write up a prayer list for things and people to pray for? I have. And the list grows and grows and grows to a size that I can't handle.

That's not the real issue for me, though. My real issue is this: If that's the only way I pray, where am I giving God space to talk to me. That's not a conversation. It's a monologue. And to me, it's MUCH more important to hear what God wants to tell me than for me to tell Him things.

So yeah. When I'm not praying in public, I'm... pretty much praying all day. Even when there's a lull, I'm always aware of the fact that God might want to say something any moment now. And if something jumps out at me, I'll just... say it to God. Like: "Wow Father, you made a wonderful sunrise this morning." Or the like. And when I see something that needs a prayer, I take it to God. So yeah, when I say in comments that I'm praying for you, I in fact already sent up my first prayer. And I'll keep sending up prayers every time I think of you.

I guess some people might think that I'm way too informal in my relationship with God, but it works for me. When I'm not praying like that, I lose touch with Him, and that's something I never want.

So how do you think about prayer? Anything you want me to pray for you about?

Uncertainty

I was recently talking to a friend, who decided to take charge of her life. Exactly as I've experienced, she also came to a point that she just couldn't take being that unhappy any more and decided to do something about it.

And so she is, and I'm incredibly proud of her.

But I digress...

The real point I was getting at was that she mentioned that she has to sift through everything in her life. And in particular, her future plans. She wasn't certain if what she was planning to do is what she's supposed to do. And then, she said that she wasn't even sure how to go on...

Short answer: We don't. Not immediately.

When we come to the realization that we're unhappy with our lives, we need to find what makes us happy all over again. We can't do that by regretting and resenting things in our past, or getting stuck rushing towards the future. We need to learn to live and find ourselves in the present first.

Makes sense, right?

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Doesn't make it easy. Because in the beginning stages, this implies not having ANY plans. AT ALL. PERIOD. Nor do we have anything with which to measure success. At least, that's what I found from my experience.

The reason for this is that we need to give the reins to our life back to God. And we can't do that if we're still in that space where we're the only ones calling the shots. We need to clean the slates of our lives before we can let God write on them.

And unless He's the one doing the writing, we'll never be truly happy. Because He knows better than we do, what we need in our lives and futures.

When we spoke about this, my friend pointed out that the uncertainty of being without any plans is terrifying.

It is. Very terrifying. It took me a lot of will power to keep myself from starting on any of the plans that my mind created just to form a framework that I was used to. But I had to do it, because I knew if I acted on those impulses, that I'd be just as badly off as before. So I forced myself to wait until I grew comfortable with not knowing where I was headed.

And then (It took me about a year of doing what I had to, but not planning for my future.)... God started talking about my future. About His plans and my passions. We spoke to each other and I asked about my dreams and His will.

Before I knew it, I had a glimpse of the plan and could start doing things that brought me in line with what God wanted. But He did not give me the solution easily. I had to trust Him in the most uncertain period of my life.

And He rewarded me with blessings and happiness beyond what I had imagined.

Have you ever realized that you need to change the course of your life? Did the uncertainty of not knowing where to go next scare you?

Goal Review

I was thinking that I'm a bit over-due on recapping my goals for 2012. I should have done it in March already, but oh well.

These are my goals, with my comments noted in red...

Writing: 

I want to finish Doorways before 30 June. 
Not likely, since I have to depend on Crit Partners for edits. I'm approximately halfway now. 

I will query Doorways on 1 July.
Can't decide if this will happen. 

I want to finish the WiP2 rewrite by 30 September. 
Will start in July. 

I want to finish the Don't Look Back draft by 31 December. 
Not sure when I will start this, but no later than October. 

I want to finish at least one draft of the musical libretto by 31 December.
Working on this every week, but since I had no idea of the work involved, I think this one won't make it. 

I might want to look at Guardian again. 
If I have time, I will. 

Reading: 

I want to read more (crit partners' manuscripts don't count).
I'm trying to read at least one book a week. But I am definitely reading more.

I want to read Shakespeare, Austen and Martin. 
So far, I've read two Jane Austen books. Still gathering courage for the rest of them.

Life: 

Auditions, auditions, auditions. 
One audition so far. 

I want to master at least intermediate cooking.
Let me put it this way... I'll be able to feed myself on more than bread or takeaways.
I want to spend more time designing.
Haven't even looked at my designs yet. Feeling terrible about it, but I just need to finish Doorways first.

I want to brush up on my French and Mandarin (at least one of the two) and take another language. 
Lacking time and money. I'll look at this again in the second half of the year. 

I want to take classes in a musical instrument. Either piano or guitar. 
Went to my first guitar lesson last week. 

I also want to get out more next year. Cabin fever never did suit me. 
Still working on this, but I think I am getting better at getting out of the house. 

Since I achieved four goals in 2011, I want to achieve six in 2012. 
Looks like I'm on course for six. But I definitely want to try for more. 

Have you recently taken a look at your goals for this year? How are you getting along?

A to Z Challenge Reflections

Hmmm.... This is going to be tricky. Because I have to write two of these... which means I have to separate my experiences...

Which is sort of hard, since April went by in such a blur... So... rather, I'm going to do an overview on this blog and the stats on the other.

Okay... so...

I met a lot of lovely new people and discovered a lot of lovely blogs. I'm not planning to stop, though, I will work my way through each of the comments and visit the commenters. Can't wait! ^_^

As for writing the posts, I really enjoyed the fact that I only had a few struggles with topics and that, except for the times that I was out of the house for longer than expected, every post went up on time. I was only late twice, and both were on Saturdays, so they went up before the weekend was done.

Furthermore, the Challenge helped me with two things: 1) It helped me realize that I'll have to start planning ahead in order to maintain my current posting schedules and work. 2) It helped me to see what was missing from TCoML, as mentioned on yesterday's post.

Otherwise, there wasn't much to say. My Challenge was remarkably stress-free....

How did your challenge go?

Got Input?

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As I mentioned on Friday, I'm working at finding the purpose of TCoML again and already have this week's posts planned out.

This is sort of the first one I'm pre-writing, since I started it this morning. Unfortunately I had to leave and got back too late, so.... I'll be finishing the post after the time I wanted to schedule it for. What can I say? It's an imperfect science.

Anyway, this is sort of an invitation for you to get involved.

While I was doing the A to Z Challenge, I realized that TCoML always was about more than just me writing about my daily frustrations or whatever. It had meaning, since it was about me, taking charge of my life.

So yes, while writing about my life does cover a lot of ground, there was another aspect to it.

I intended for TCoML to show how I'm working on taking charge. It was about showing what it's about and what's involved. To share the lessons I have learnt and am learning every day.

I want to do a post about an aspect of that every week. So... I want to hear from you:

Is there anything about taking charge of one's life that you'd like for me to write about? Or... even better... do you have experiences that you want to share? If you do, we could arrange that you do a guest post...

And she's back.

Hello lovely people. Sorry for my absence on Wednesday. Took a day off to recover from the Challenge.

Anyway, during the challenge, I got to thinking. Somewhere in the few months since I started this blog, I sort of lost direction with writing it.

I found a large part of it while doing the challenge, but it's not all there yet.

So... I'm going to take some action. I'm going to pre-plan some of my topics like I did for the Challenge. I'm not yet at the point of Monday is this day, but I think that having some meaningful topics stored away for later will really help me and this blog.

And that's what I will be doing this weekend. Deciding what I want to write about next week.

What will you be doing?